0002050217
DETROIT FREE PRESS
000206
Sunday, February 06, 2000
METRO FINAL
1H
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 2000, Detroit Free Press
WE'VE BECOME WRESTLING NATION
Idon't want to say that wrestling has taken over this country, but pretty
soon I expect my accountant to be wearing a diaper and boots.
Last week, the World Wrestling Federation announced it was starting its own
football league to compete with the NFL.
This, in addition to the endless WWF programs already on TV and the
barnstorming WWF events held in every arena in America.
This, in addition to the cover of Newsweek, which just featured wrestlers Rock
and Chyna.
This, in addition to former wrestler Jesse Ventura, who is now the governor of
Minnesota.
This, in addition to big-breasted wrestling women such as Sable, who have
moved out of the ring and onto magazine covers and movie screens.
This, in addition to countless Web sites dedicated to WWF stars.
This, in addition to not one, but two books penned by wrestlers and their
ghostwriters that sit atop the New York Times best-sellers list. There are
reportedly plans for five more wrestler bios, all to be published by Judith
Regan, who once published the highly respected "I Know This Much Is True" by
Wally Lamb. Amazing. From Gutenberg to Goldberg.
There are WWF lunch boxes. WWF clothing. There are WWF action figures that
outsell Pokemon. There are WWF videos that dwarf the competition. There is an
upcoming WWF theme restaurant.
And kids? Forget it. Most American children can't tell you a thing about
evolution. But they can tell you everything about Mankind.
He's a wrestler, you know.
From Gorgeous to Bruiser to Rock
The Wrestleization of America is a curious phenomenon. The sport -- if you can
call it that -- has long had peaks and valleys in popularity. Baby boomers
remember Dick the Bruiser. Their parents remember Gorgeous George. Back in
those days, wrestling was a carnival thing, town to town, under tents, a
grizzly collection of beefy men and midgets snarling and throwing one another
across the canvas. It was on TV once or twice a week. You watched it, you
laughed, you went on.
But what's happened now is unprecedented. Wrestling mentality has become
synonymous with the culture. You can't find a kid today who doesn't know the
Rock, Terri or Jerry (the King) Lawyler.
Jane Austen? Not a chance.
Stone Cold Steve Austin? Now you're talking.
The minute you mix a couple of kids in a living room, they're throwing each
other into the couch, posing like muscle men, and growling: "You can't touch
me! I'm the king! I'm the king!"
What's worse is that wrestling is actually developing story lines. I'm not
talking about this guy beats that guy, end of story. I'm talking about this
guy's daughter is captured and forced to work for this pimp until the other
guy comes with a club and rescues her.
The fairy tale has been reinvented.
The dragon is wearing shorts.
Necessary roughness
The new wrestling-football league -- the XFL is what pooh-bah and WWF honcho
Vince McMahon is calling it -- promises to be everything the NFL is, and all
the things it isn't.
While the NFL goes to great lengths to keep its players from celebrating,
berating officials or committing personal fouls of unnecessary roughness, the
XFL will make all roughness necessary and all personal fouls welcome.
It also will have cameras in the huddle, on the sidelines and, I'm betting,
somewhere in the cheerleaders' dressing rooms. You can picture the XFL player
scoring a touchdown, eating the ball, thumping his defender, headlocking the
referee and throwing the bimbo into a vat of pudding.
(By the way, lest you think the WWF is un-American, it had several of its
women wrestle in a pool of turkey gravy on Thanksgiving.)
It would all be pretty funny if it weren't being so ...accepted. This is who
we are now, from elected officials to highest-rated TV programs. We are the
world's first Wrestling Nation.
Funny. I used to think I was mainstream and wrestling was on the fringe. Now,
with Newsweek, the New York Times, and what used to be the great American
pastime, football, I sadly realize it's the other way around.
And I don't look good in tights.
MITCH ALBOM can be reached at 313-223-4581 or albom@freepress.com. Hear
"Albom in the Afternoon" 3-6 p.m. weekdays on WJR-AM (760).
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