0205180247
DETROIT FREE PRESS
020518
Saturday, May 18, 2002
METRO FINAL
1A
Photo MANDI WRIGHT/Detroit Free Press
Mike Holt of Toronto, the official keeper of the cup, takes the
Stanley Cup from its limousine to the Westland Mall on Friday afternoon. For
more on the cup, see Drew Sharp's column on Page 1B.
MITCH ALBOM FREE PRESS COLUMNIST
Copyright (c) 2002, Detroit Free Press
ROOT OUT AVS FANS AMONG US
In many ways, they're a lot alike.
The Red Wings have won Stanley Cups. The Avalanche has won Stanley Cups.
The Red Wings have a goalie who speekeeng with dee accent. The Avs have a
goalie who speak wit' an' accent.
The Wings have a captain who is quiet, rugged and wears No. 19. The Avs have a
captain who is quiet, rugged and wears No. 19.
And while the Wings have a foreign phenomenon, Igor Larionov, who is 41 yet
skates like a kid, the Avs also have a foreign phenomenon, Peter Forsberg, who
took the regular season off yet is leading the playoffs in points.
So, really, when it comes down to it, inquiring minds want to know: What is
the difference between Colorado and Detroit?
Simple. They're a bunch of dirty, rotten, arrogant little mountain goats, and
we're not.
Which brings me to today's column. It has come to my attention that a handful
of Colorado fans have infiltrated our borders in Detroit, in a soon-to-prove
fruitless attempt to get into today's opener of the Western Conference finals.
Beware. These people look like normal folk. They hide their Joe Sakic jerseys.
They hide their "Go Avs!" hats. They are sneaky little weasels who cannot be
rooted out with cheese, Raid or other standard pest-control techniques.
We must, therefore, resort to interrogation. Line everyone up and make them
answer the following questions. NOW!
1. Claude Lemieux is . . .a) A former Avalanche star.b) Now playing with
Phoenix.c) AHHH! OOH! @&%$%#!
The correct answer is C. No Detroit fan can hear that name and not go
ballistic. Take all others outside and whack them with a foam rubber wing.
2. Tanguay is . . .a) Alex Tanguay, an Avs winger.b) Another example of
Colorado scouting.c) Something you mix with tonic.
The correct answer is C. We Detroiters know our drinks. And anyone who
answered incorrectly should be doused with Vernors.
3. The coach of the Red Wings is Scotty Bowman. The coach of the Avalanche is
. . .a) Bob Hartley.b) Bob Newhart.c) Bob Newhartly.d) Who cares?
The correct answer is B. Or D. Or, well, who cares?
4. The difference between Detroit's grind line and Colorado's grind line is .
. .a) Detroit's is younger.b) Colorado's is younger.c) Colorado's plays
filthy-dirty-slimy, while Detroit's guys scrub up after the game and sing in
the church choir.
The correct answer, of course, is C. I believe they are doing "Ave Maria" this
Sunday.
5. Brendan Shanahan became an American citizen this week because . . .a) He's
tired of answering the same way at the tunnel.b) He wants to stand in the
"U.S. Citizens Line" at Metro Airport.c) He wants to be elected president one
day so that he can throw Colorado out of the union.
The correct answer is "all of the above." And if the respondent asks "Who's
Brendan Shanahan?" take his fingerprints.
6. What was Peter Forsberg really doing all season, before he rejoined his
teammates?a) Watching the "Friends" DVD.b) Went to Sweden for plastic surgery
to look more like Nicklas Lidstrom.c) Can you blame him? Who could stand to be
around those guys that long?
While C may appear to be the correct answer, the more correct answer is
actually B. Didn't work, either.
7. What new weapons do the Wings have this year that will ensure a victory
over Colorado?a) Brett Hull.b) Luc Robitaille.c) Dominik Hasek.d) Avs hotel
rooms are bugged.
The correct answer is actually A, B and C, but if the respondent looked at the
lamp shade when you read D, have him cuffed.
8. If Steve Yzerman fought Spider-Man, who would win?a) Yzerman by KO.b)
Yzerman by TKO.c) Spider-Man and what army?
The correct answer is "Hahahahaha! Uh, who's Spider-Man?"
9. What does Patrick Roy's last name rhyme with?a) Oy.b) Vey.c) Wah.d) Who's
Patrick Roy?
The correct answer is D, unless the person said B, in which case, have pity.
He's too dumb to be from Detroit OR Colorado.
OK. By this point, we should have rooted out the frauds, and we can get down
to the business at hand, starting this long-awaited Western Conference
showdown. It begins here, and let's hope it ends here, with a celebration for
the good guys.
Of course, there is one easier way to spot an Avalanche fan today at Joe Louis
Arena.
Just look for someone who actually expects to buy a ticket.
Contact MITCH ALBOM at 313-223-4581 or albom@freepress.com. Catch "Albom in
the Afternoon" 3-6 p.m. weekdays on WJR-AM (760). Also catch "Monday Sports
Albom" 7-8 p.m. Mondays on WJR.
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