8601030056
DETROIT FREE PRESS
860115
Wednesday, January 15, 1986
METRO FINAL CHASER
1D
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1986, Detroit Free Press
MOVE OVER, KARNAK -- THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE
The answer is: "What's left?"
The question is: How many more things can go wrong with the Red Wings.
**
The answer is: "John Dillinger, Al Capone and The Purple Gang."
The question is: Name 10 people who made out better than Tom Brookens did
in his new contract.
**
The answer is: "Until you puke."
The question is: How often will we hear about Jim McMahon, Walter Payton,
Gary Fencik, Richard Dent, Tony Eason, Steve Grogan, Steve Nelson, and Julius
Adams in the next 10 days?
Yes, they will be The Super-Profiled. So let me speed things up. Here, in
one sentence, is what you'll read about each one:
McMahon: Wild And Crazy, But A Winner.
Payton: Quiet Hero Finally Gets The Big One.
Fencik: He's A Yuppie, But He Still Hits Hard.
Dent: Football's Most Underpaid Player?
Eason: Young Quarterback Finally Emerges.
Grogan: The Veteran Patriot Must Watch From The Sidelines, After Waiting So
Long.
Nelson: The Veteran Patriot Finally Gets A Super Bowl, After Waiting So
Long.
Adams: The Veteran Patriot And Oldest Defensive Lineman in Football Finally
Gets A Super Bowl, After Waiting So Long.
There. You've just been saved 14 hours, 34 minutes. Please use the time
wisely.
**
The answer is: "Michigan, Duke, Syracuse, and the Indiana Pacers."
The question is: Name four teams that might have a chance against North
Carolina.
**
The answer is: "Let me tell you about this great swampland in New Jersey .
. . "
The question is: Couldn't it just be coincidence that all the major league
baseball owners declined to bid for a single free agent this year?
**
The answer is: "Don't hold your breath."
The question is: When are the Pistons going to turn this thing around?
The Pistons are an OK team, not a great one. As long as their center is
Bill Laimbeer, who is a good player but not a post-up player, and as long as
their concept of "Power Forward" means letting Rick Mahorn sit in the front of
the plane, it's trouble.
Change? The Pistons are hoping the draft choice they acquired from
Sacramento for Terry Tyler will be a lottery pick -- which could be, just
maybe, a No. 1. Translation: Big Man.
**
The answer is: "May Cause Drowsiness."
The question is: What do Vicks Nyquil and the LA Rams have in common?
**
The answer is: "Pat Sullivan and Gerry Cooney."
The question is: Name two people who don't know when to pick a fight.
**
The answer is: "Give the dog a bath, your taxes, learn all the words to
'The Battle Hymn Of The Republic,' drink heavily."
The question is: What can you do when the urge to watch a Red Wings game
comes over you?
**
The answer is: "Back to Square One."
The question is: What did Kirk Gibson's signing with the Tigers really
mean?
For all the cheering when Gibson and Brookens inked at the final moment,
all the Tigers really accomplished was to squeeze last year's team back in the
bottle. Now we can get back to the head-scratching questions that dominated
at the end of last season: third base, bullpen, speed, etc.???
**
The answer is: "We Are The World -- No, We're Bigger."
The question is: What is the title of the Chicago Bears' next rock video?
**
The answer is: "Yep. Yep."
The question is: Will Mike Ditka win coach of the year? And should he?
You can make a case for John Robinson, who did a lot with a little, and
Don Shula, who got his team farther than its talent. But how many weeks did we
figure the Bears would let down, only to see them come out crushing? Besides,
not everyone could motivate that crew.
**
The answer is: "Light and Grant."
The question is: Name two Buds that are worse the second time around.
**
The answer is: "Who?"
The question is: How much of a Super Bowl ratings-getter are the New
England Patriots?
FOOTBALL;HOCKEY;BASKETBALL