8801100268
DETROIT FREE PRESS
880229
Monday, February 29, 1988
METRO FINAL
1D
Photo Color and Photo Reuter and Associated Press;Photo AFP
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1988, Detroit Free Press
WE SHOWED UP, BUT WHAT FOR?
THESE TRIVIAL OLYMPICS WEREN'T SO HOT FOR U.S.
CALGARY, Alberta -- We lost.
The Soviets won.
Everybody wore cowboy hats.
That's a wrap, folks. Thanks for coming. The XV Winter Olympics may not
have been fun, but they were long. And how about those Finns? Hell of a team,
huh? Don't laugh. They got more medals than we did.
What did we do to deserve these Games? Shoot somebody? As a journalist,
the Olympic experience went like this: Fly in, sign up, freeze to death. Then
take all your clothing to the Olympic laundry, so you can experience the Games
the way the ancient Greeks did: naked.
But heck. You don't want to hear this. You want to hear about THE GAMES,
the competition, the thrill of victory. Well. You'll have to ask the East
Germans about that. Victory wasn't high on our list. Trivia. Trivia was high
on our list. These, after all, were the Winter Olympics that welcomed Guam,
snow capital of the North Pacific, the Olympics that heard a Polish hockey
player claim he unknowingly swallowed steroids at a cocktail party. One day,
years from now, history will look back on these Games and say: "Ugh."
YOUR PASSWORD TO THE CALGARY OLYMPICS:
HOPELESS.
Yes. Hopeless was good here. Hopeless was profitable. If you came from
Jamaica, and you never saw snow, and you rolled down in a bobsled on your head
-- ta-da! You were hopeless. You were a hit! You sold 10,000 sweatshirts and
bought a condo in Kingston. In the year 2000, we will have forgotten Bonnie
Blair, Tomas Gustafson and Vreni Schneider (we may have forgotten them
already). But we will still remember Eddie (the Eagle) Edwards.
"He was that ugly guy, ski jumper, wasn't he, Doris?"
"Yeah. He looked like a can opener."
"That guy cracked me up."
"Wonder where he is?"
So OK. It is time to put this all in perspective. Time to lick the
envelope on these cowboy Games. What do you say? Bobsleds, curling, Tomba,
Willie Gault, Debi dips, Dan dunks, chinook, chinook, chinook-chinook-chinook.
Hey, USA TODAY, official cheerleader of the XV Winter Games. Here's your
headline for tomorrow:
WE STINK.
THE PROBLEM WITH AMERICA.
Well, OK. We don't really stink. But we don't exactly glow. As an
American, this was a good Olympics to be French. How many medals did we wind
up with? Six? Don't you get that many for sending in your application? The
last time we won fewer medals was at the 1936 Games, when they had, I think,
two sports, and European nations didn't compete, because there were tanks
rolling across their lawns.
Six medals? Two gold, one silver, three bronze? No one said we were
supposed to be kings of the luge track. But we have a few mountains. We have
a few ski slopes. We have a few hockey players and a few coaches milking a few
students at a few ice skating rinks around the country. You'd think we could
get somebody to stand up straight.
Instead, the catch phrase for America was "bottoms up." We had skiers
falling and speed skaters falling and figure skaters falling. Some of them
had good reasons. (Dan Jansen, who lost his sister to leukemia; Pam Fletcher,
who got blindsided on the slopes.) And some of them did not.
QUESTION: Name the four American male skiers in Saturday's Olympic slalom.
ANSWER: 1. Did not finish. 2. Did not finish. 3. Did not finish. 4. Did
not finish.
Hey. Guys. Slalom, not Slidem. The way we skied, you'd think Denver had
the elevation of New Jersey. Medal count on mountain: zero. Medal count in
woods and with guns: zero.
This, however, was minor news.
Debi Thomas was MAJOR news. True, we were already in the toilet by the
time Thomas skated her free program Saturday night. But a gold medal in
women's figure skating might have sent us home smiling, particularly because
"our Debi" was skating against the ice princess herself, Katarina Witt, who
represented all that was evil in these Games, namely that East Germany was
winning, and we weren't.
Alas. Debi had the gold medal in her skates, and she stepped on it.
Stomped that sucker flat. One slip. Another slip. Two more slips. Debi is a
nice kid. Debi is a sweet kid. Debi choked.
"After I missed the first jump, I just wanted to get off the ice," she
said later. Great. That's the American fighting spirit? Poor Debi. She
apologized to her coach as she skated past him during the routine.
Understandable. She was supposed to be skating to "Carmen." She looked more
like Jerry Lewis in "The Geisha Boy."
Said Jutta Muller, Witt's coach: "I couldn't tell if Debi was skating to
'Carmen' or 'Swan Lake.' "
Yo. Jutta. We'll make the jokes, OK?
THE TRIVIAL OLYMPICS.
So what does a country of 250 million people do when its athletes are
finishing behind Portugal's? Scramble for the corners. Dig out the most
unusual, hapless weirdo and make him a star. If they're gonna trash us, we're
gonna trivialize them.
Eddie.
You know whom we're taking about. What kind of Olympic wrap-up can you
have without Eddie Edwards, Great Britain's lonely ski jumper, the only man
here to do Johnny Carson while the Games were still in progress? Sure, the
bobsledders from Mexico did their best. And so did the Puerto Rican luger, and
the biathlete from Guam, who fell in the snow and ripped the skin off his
face. Nice try, G-man. But in the trivial Olympics, Eddie reigned supreme.
That jaw. Those Coke bottle glasses. Blind in one eye, afraid of heights, a
natural-born klutz. Sure. Send the guy off the ski jump. I would.
And listen. Eddie Edwards will make more money from these Olympics than
any gold medalist, save Italy's Alberto Tomba (whom we will get to in a
minute). And what pressure! Only finishing last would serve Eddie's legend,
and he was going against the very tough Spanish jumper.
He did not disappoint. Dead last in the 70 meters. Dead last in the 90
meters. He came off the jump like a toaster oven comes off the counter. The
crowd chanted, "ED-DIE!" He waved his hands and poked himself in the eye.
His is an Olympic success story, just begging to be told.
But not here.
FIVE JOBS DAVE PETERSON CAN GET NOW THAT HIS DAYS AS U.S. OLYMPIC HOCKEY COACH
ARE OVER:
1. Dictator.
2. Figure skater.
3. Counselor in a juvenile house of correction.
4. Whatever Lou Vairo used to be doing.
5. Traffic cop.
Yes. We're into the personalities part of our discussion. And why not
start with Peterson, because he has no personality. The failure of the
American hockey team didn't jolt people half as much as this guy, who proved
that being in high schools for 27 years prepares you no better for life than
being there for four.
What an ass. Peterson snarled his way onto everybody's hit list, while
creating a team that has the unusual distinction of being criticized by the
president of the entire International Olympic Committee: "They have no
cohesion and no co-ordination," said Juan Antonio Samaranch, about the U.S
team. "It's run and shoot, run and shoot."
Thank you, Juan. Next time you're in town, we'll go to an NBA game.
Peterson. Samaranch. George Steinbrenner. I put these guys in the "Geeks
of the Games" category.
But where are the HEROES?
GOLD: Alberto Tomba, Italy -- My personal vote for Big Guy In Calgary
goes to Italy's "La Bomba," who set the Olympic record for fluffing his own
hair during post-ski celebration. He was carried off the slopes by his
Italian fans after gold medals in the slalom and giant slalom. A Ferrari, it
was said, was on the way. "I am so fast," Tomba once told a reporter, "I maybe
stop to make love to a woman on the way down, and still win."
I'd pay to see that.
SILVER: Brian Boitano, United States. Leave it to a figure skater to be
everything our bobsledders and hockey players were not. Boitano gave America
some identity with his gold medal, although a few questions remain. On the
one hand, we have a male skater who is known for strong athletic moves. On the
other hand, we have a thin young man who celebrated the news of his victory
by hugging a fellow skater in the bathroom.
BRONZE: Prince Albert of Monaco -- Not only did he form the team, buy the
sleds, hire the coaches and fly them, but he showed great courage and spirit.
Also he paid me to say this.
And now, a few random selections:
WINNERS WHO WERE LOSERS, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY: Katarina Witt; Pirmin
Zurbriggen; Matti Nykanen; and any of those Soviet woman cross-country
skiers. Now I know why biathletes carry guns.
LOSERS WHO WERE WINNERS, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY: The Mexican bobsled
team; Midori Ito, the little Japanese figure skater; and Paul and Isabelle
Duchesnay, who did that "hot monkey love" program at the ice dancing finals.
They used to call rock 'n' roll jungle music, too, you know.
ABC.
Well. What can we say about the TV network that brought you these
wonderful Games except this:
SUCCCKKKERRRRRRS! Three hundred and nine million? They paid $309 million for
the rights to this stuff? Nice going, guys. Does this mean we won't have to
watch "Mr. Belvedere" for a while?
By the way, those of us in Calgary got to watch both ABC and CTV (the
Canadian network) broadcast these Games. It was not hard to tell the
difference:
CTV ON OLYMPIC HOCKEY:
ANNOUNCER NO. 1: Well, there's a pass to the Russian center. Nice pass,
eh?
ANNOUNCER NO. 2: I thought so. Here comes another one. Beauty, eh?
ANNOUNCER NO. 1: Yep.
ABC ON OLYMPIC HOCKEY:
AL MICHAELS: And with that pass let's go back to the studio.
KEITH JACKSON: Thanks, Al, you old hoss. How about that aerial skiing at
Olympic Park, Tim?
TIM McCARVER: Thanks, Keith. This is a thrill! Look at them spill! Back
to you, Jim.
JIM McKAY: Thanks, Sam. The Olympic . . . uh . . . to . . . where . . .
so, you won't want to miss that. Now let's join Ed at the hockey. Tom?
AL MICHAELS: Here's the replay of the four goals you missed while we were
away, including the game-winner!
But enough about its good points. There was plenty wrong with the way
ABC handled itself here, beginning with the fact that it ruled the schedule,
and ending with the way it handled tragedy, namely the death of Dan Jansen's
sister. The bloodsuckers never missed a chance to capture tears on tape -- be
they Jansen's, his family's or anyone else's. Just once I'd like to see
somebody punch out an ABC cameraman. Please.
Then do Dick Button, who can take his "special" moments and put them in a
special place, if you get my drift. But wait. The kingpin of all, the real
sleaze, the guy we shoot at dawn, is the figure skating dupe, David Santee,
who had the ridiculous job of shoving a microphone in the face of skaters who
had just fallen five times in front of a billion viewers. When an anxious
Brian Orser was awaiting his marks, wondering whether he had won the gold
medal, Santee began with the most infamous line of the Games: "Brian, I have
good news and bad news. . . . "
Hey! It's Mr. Sensitivity!
But can we just blame ABC? No. We must blame the Winter Olympics
themselves, which continue to grow, but in all the wrong places. It's very
nice that we had a record 57 nations this time. But I don't know how important
it was to get Puerto Rico, or Guam. Especially because their teams consist of
Americans who couldn't make a U.S. squad during a civil war.
And look at the sports they're starting to let in! Short track speed
skating? Freestyle skiing (in which grown men actually ski down a hill and
pirouette. I kid you not). And curling. Oh, my. Did you know a 15-year-old
girl was America's star curler? Now I don't know about you. But if my kid's
15? I don't let her curl. I don't let her blow-dry.
Who needs all this? Not the United States. The fact is, any of the
supposedly "big" stories of these Olympics wouldn't even make the agate of a
sports section any other time of year. A ski jumper? A speed skater? On the
front page? Whoa. You answer the phones in the office.
Controversy?
Did someone say controversy?
Sure, there was controversy. Willie Gault screwed up everybody by trying
to hone in on the bobsled team. And speed skater Erik Henriksen, at last look,
was suing his U.S. federation for a mere $1 million, which is probably as
much money as speed skating has seen since 1937. How's that for controversy?
We did have the question of what would happen to the 90- meter ski jump
if it had to be canceled beyond the closing ceremonies. Calgary said: "No
problem, stick around, love to have ya, can we recommend a restaurant?"
Samaranch said: "When I close the Games, they are finished."
Done Juan.
A word here about Calgary:
YEEE-HAH!
You get the idea? Don't ask me what kind of town it is anymore.
AND NOW, FINALLY, A FEW OLYMPIC MOMENTS
I rank these as "special," in no particular order: ABC's interview with
Dr. Ruth; the day it was 64 degrees; the accreditation of Royal Canadian
Mountie police dogs; luge; the $1 billion these Games cost; Liz Manley;
watching a Korean figure skater named Gang Ho crash into the boards; the
Soviet hockey team; Bonnie Blair's outfits; the 12-year-old who lit the torch;
Frank Gifford telling a newspaper he met his wife, Kathie Lee, when he noticed
her "staring at my tush."
Now, that's special.
But the best, I think, came Saturday night, during the women's figure
skating, when a little-known Belgian skater named Katrien Pauwels fell during
a spin toward the end of her program. Instead of scrambling shamelessly to her
feet, she figured, heck, I'm down here anyhow, why not? And she just continued
to spin, on her butt, until the music ended.
The judges marked her down. But I didn't. The woman showed good sense. And
so can we. Yes, America lost these Olympics. Yes, we came home with six
medals. Yes, we wasted hours watching small men in sequins leaping in the air.
So what?
As Katrien might have said: We showed up, didn't we? What else do you
want?
CUTLINE
U.S. speed skater Bonnie Blair shows off her gold medal (500 meters) and
bronze medal (1,000 meters) at a press conference Sunday.
East German figure skater Katarina Witt shows off her gold medal after the
presentation ceremonies Saturday night.
OLYMPICS;COLUMN