8701140223 DETROIT FREE PRESS 870320 Friday, March 20, 1987 METRO FINAL

SPT

1D Photo MITCH ALBOM Copyright (c) 1987, Detroit Free Press HEY, IF IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY OLD PAL DENNIS . . . THE LIVE ALBOM: *Hey. Wait a minute. Dennis Conner goes Down Under, comes back all dark, and gets a parade. I go Down Under, come back all dark, and the office says, "Nice tan, porkhead. You make us sick." * I'll erase the tan, OK? I'll crawl into one of those tanning center coffins and just sit there. *While we're on the subject, I returned to find a wheelbarrow of mail telling me I was mean, cruel and a real jerk for my criticism of Conner during the America's Cup. So many of you were so upset, that I sat for a while and thought about it. And now, after hours of consideration, I must admit something. You are still wrong. * By the way, ever notice the similarity between Conner and the guy from "Saturday Night Live" who plays the pathological . . . s-s-sailor? * So Kirk Gibson is a flyboy now. Pushing the outside of the envelope. Chasing that demon in the sky. Big deal. Call me stiff. If I were his manager, I'd want his mind on baseball in March, thank you. * And now, a simple math lesson for Tim Raines: $1.6 million is greater than $1 million is greater that $800,000 is greater than zero * Usually, I think Sports Illustrated is a fine magazine. But paying ex-Villanova guard Gary McLain $40,000 for his drug story was bad ethics, bad journalism and bad precedent. It also was bad shopping. For that much money, you could buy far better drug stories. Some might even be true. * What kind of odds does UNLV get in Las Vegas? * None. You can't bet on UNLV in Las Vegas. * Speaking of UNLV, I finally figured out who Jerry Tarkanian reminds me of. * Stop calling it Bobby Knight's book. He didn't report it. He didn't write it. He hates the thing. * And another thing. Why is everyone messing up on Fennis Dembo of Wyoming? They call him "Fembo" or "Dumbo" or "Dennis the Menace." Come on. It's so easy. Fennis Dembo. I'll say it again. Fennis Dembo. Honestly, some people can mess up the simplest things. Here, by the way, is Fennis' picture. * While I vacation in the South Seas, the Pistons rocket into first place. The night I come back, they blow a seven-game streak and lose to New Jersey. Obviously, it's me. So I think it my duty to return to the islands until the Pistons win the NBA title. And I will bring this up with my boss. As soon as I find that crash helmet I had lying around here. * By the way, if Detroit gets past Atlanta in the playoffs, Boston is in trouble. It says here. * How did Bert Convy become a celebrity? * Is he a celebrity? * Speaking of those winning Red Wings, no, I am not surprised Jacques Demers found success here so quickly. I always thought he could find anything he wanted, after locating the missing jewels in his last Pink Panther movie. * So the woman who won Alaska's Iditarod Sled Dog Race gets a check for $50,000. Fine. I want to know what the dogs get. * And now, a simple lesson for the owners. (0 X effort) + (0 X $) = (100 X Collusion) * I call that new math. They call it baseball. CUTLINE Dennis . . . yeah, that's the ticket. Inspector . . . Demers? Jerry the Friendly . . . Coach? COLUMN