8901140140
DETROIT FREE PRESS
890403
Monday, April 03, 1989
METRO FINAL CHASER
1C
MITCH ALBOM Free Press Sports Writer
SPECIAL SECTION;BASEBALL '89;'90's
Copyright (c) 1989, Detroit Free Press
A DECADE OF DEALS AND DOLLARS
PETE AND MARGO TO GUIDE BASEBALL INTO 21ST CENTURY;
WADE AND DI?
Cooperstown, Jan. 31, 1999 -- Ladies and gentlemen, before I introduce the
commissioner of baseball, Pete Rose, and his lovely wife, Margo, I think we
should take a moment to look back on the decade we are about to complete.
Weren't the '90s something? Those of you who agree, press "yes" on your
armchair sensors.
Just think of the wonderful changes we've seen these last 10 years! Ten
years ago, baseball was still played outdoors. Ten years ago, the Russians
weren't even in the major leagues. Ten years ago, Senator Kirk Gibson was
still a leftfielder.
Let's reminisce, shall we? We've prepared this little highlight video of
the baseball years, 1990-1999. Just punch it up on your screens, slip in your
3-D contact lenses, and let's reflect back on a kinder, gentler decade, when
they actually thought chewing tobacco was bad for you. Achhh-ptuuuey!
Roll 'em.
1990: Tigers manager Sparky Anderson finally achieves his goal of a team with
no player under 35. "If you ain't losing your hair, you ain't no ballplayer,"
Sparky declares. His team leads the American League East until the last week
of the season, when the entire pitching staff departs for a shuffleboard
tournament in Miami Beach. Meanwhile, Wade Boggs, no longer popular in
Boston, is traded to San Diego. He is rumored to be involved with six cocktail
waitresses and half the staff of the Naval Hospital. He hits .390 and wins
the batting title. George Steinbrenner fires Dallas Green as Yankee manager,
hires Billy Martin, fires Billy Martin, and hires Steve Fisher as interim
coach. The New York Mets clinch the NL East in June and take the rest of the
season off. Willie (Guillermo) Hernandez, suffering through a terrible slump,
changes his name to Keith. His pitching does not improve, but he has a strange
desire to kiss Darryl Strawberry. And on the TV front, Brent Musburger takes
over as the voice of Baseball's Game of the Week.
"Did you see that!" he exclaims in his opening broadcast. "That was
absolutely marvelous! I mean, it was marvelous! Wow. Talk about marvelous!"
"Brent," says his co-host, "it's batting practice."
1991: Oakland's Jose Canseco becomes the first player to hit 60 homers and
steal 60 bases. "I . . . do . . . not . . . use . . . steroids," he insists.
He is, however, offered the role of Lurch in the new "Addams Family."
Meanwhile, a shakeup in the front office: A. Bartlett Giamatti resigns as
commissioner because, during his three years in office, no one understood a
word he said. "His last name was Italian, his first name was a letter, and his
middle name was a pear," complains Angels owner Gene Autry. "He ain't no
cowboy, I tell you that." Steve Garvey takes over the job and declares every
Tuesday Ladies Day; wives get in free, limit three to a customer. The Orioles
win their 60th game -- in two seasons. Wade Boggs, no longer popular in San
Diego, is traded to Texas, where he is rumored to be involved with six Cowboy
cheerleaders and the entire Mayo Clinic. He hits .410 and wins the batting
title. And in Los Angeles, the inevitable finally happens when Tommy Lasorda
eats one last plate of lasagna, and explodes. He is buried at Pizza Hut.
1992: Pitcher Tommy John, age 48, starts Opening Day for the Yankees. He
wins, 5-0. Afterward, he falls asleep during the interviews. The doctors tuck
him in and ask everyone to come back in the morning. Pete Rose, forced out of
baseball for gambling, comes up on the ballot for the Hall of Fame. Odds in
Rose's new Atlantic City casino are 3-1 he gets it. When the big day comes,
however, he misses by two votes. "FIX!" yell the critics. Rose is last seen
boarding a plane for Switzerland with a large sack. Meanwhile, new advances in
baseball technology: Sony invents a tiny radio transmitter to ease
signal-calling between catcher and pitcher. With the Pitchman, the catcher
need only whisper into the tiny cellular microphone inside his mask.
Unfortunately, a problem develops when San Diego's Benito Santiago accidently
crosses the frequency and lands a Northwest jet at second base.
1993: Strike year.
1994: George Bell takes over as manager of the Toronto Blue Jays, replacing
long-time rival Jimy Williams, who goes home in search of his other m. The
Blue Jays, meanwhile are still waiting to make their first trade since 1987.
"Something will come up," says GM Pat Gillick. The first fuel-injected
bullpen cart is introduced in Oakland. Canseco is arrested for going 115
m.p.h. across rightfield. Boggs, no longer popular in Texas, is traded to the
expansion London Bobbies, where he is rumored to be involved with Princess
Diana and the royal scone maker. He hits .453 and wins the batting title.
Major changes in Detroit, where the new Tiger Stadium is finally opened by Tom
Monaghan. Critics note that it is the first ballpark built in the shape of a
pizza. Actually, two pizzas. You enter the second stadium free. Monaghan also
orders new dough-colored Tigers uniforms, complete with cheese stains. Says a
smiling Sparky Anderson: "Cheese don't hurt. Now, tomato sauce . . . " Willie
(Guillermo, Keith) Hernandez, suffering through a terrible slump, changes his
name to Julio Iglesias. The Mariners and Padres meet in the World Series. CBS
ratings are just slightly behind ABC's "Wild Kingdom."
1995: Strike year.
1996: Former Tiger Jack Morris buys the Pittsburgh Pirates for an undisclosed
sum, becoming the first ex-player to own a major league franchise. "We're
finally gonna run a team right," Morris promises. He raises the minimum
player salary to $650,000. The manager makes $4.25 an hour, plus tips. Atlanta
Braves owner Ted Turner, frustrated with 20 years of losing, de-colorizes his
team and makes them play in black and white. Texas Ranger Nolan Ryan is moved
to the bullpen when his fastball slows to 91 m.p.h. "Hey," he says,
shrugging, "You know how it is when you turn 50." And in October, the Chicago
Cubs finally win the World Series, prompting new club owner Bill Murray to
say, "It's a Cinderella story . . . former greenskeepers . . . "
1997: Steve Garvey is ousted as baseball commissioner when he admits he is
actually the father of Ricky Schroeder, Tiffany, and Pete Rose Jr. "I expect
to live up to my obligations," he says, "I'm buying a bigger house. . . . "
The jet pack in introduced to baseball, increasing stolen-base statistics and
prompting Brent Musburger to say: "Boy, that Bo Jackson can really fly!
Marvelous!" Orel Hershiser, one of the great pitchers of the '80s, finally
retires, turning down the Dodgers' offer of a one-year contract worth $26
million. "It's not worth it for that little money," he says. "I can make more
as a TV analyst." CBS proves Hershiser correct by hiring him for three years
at $99 million, a standard contract. Newspaper writers also get a salary hike,
to $23,000 a year.
1998: Strike year.
1999: Sparky Anderson comes out of spring training saying, "You know, this is
the best team I've ever had." The Yankees make fashion history with the
combination pinstripe suit/pinstripe uniform. "It makes a statement," says
designer Halston. "You can negotiate your contract in the morning, and pitch a
shutout in the afternoon." Boggs, unpopular in London, is traded to the new
expansion Moscow Red Sox, where he is rumored to be involved with six Kirov
ballerinas and a babushka vendor. He hits .534, wins the batting title, then
drops dead with a smile on his face. In a Little League game, Darryl
Strawberry Jr. picks a fight with Keith Hernandez Jr. The two have to be
separated.
"Why don't you grow up?" says Hernandez.
"Why should I?" says Strawberry. "I'm 10 years old."
Pete Rose returns from Switzerland with a French accent, a university
degree, and a new bride, Margo Adams, who had been working in a Zurich coat
factory until the inventory was mysteriously depleted. The over-under on the
marriage is six months; Rose takes the under. He is voted in as new
commissioner of baseball after promising expansion teams in Nassau, Monaco and
Lake Tahoe. The Indians win the World Series. Bob Uecker, their manager, is
given a five-year deal. And Willie (Guillermo, Keith, Julio Iglesias)
Hernandez, in a terrible slump, changes his name to Mitch.
He goes 17-2 and wins the Cy Young Award.
COLUMN;SATIRE;HUMOR;FORECAST;BASEBALL;INDUSTRY