8801170028
DETROIT FREE PRESS
880412
Tuesday, April 12, 1988
METRO EDITION
1D
MITCH ALBOM
SEE ALSO METRO FINAL EDITION PAGE 1D
Copyright (c) 1988, Detroit Free Press
KEEP THOSE OCTOPUSES OUT OF THE BULLPEN
Every now and then, a terrible problem arises which I must help solve.
Usually it involves the dog and the carpet. But today, I am called upon for an
even nobler cause. I am here to prevent embarrassment. I am here to prevent
grown men from walking into Joe Louis Arena carrying baseball gloves. I am
here to prevent grown women from entering Tiger Stadium with an octopus.
The problem, of course, is baseball and hockey. Same day. Same town. The
Tigers open their home season this afternoon; the Red Wings continue their
playoffs tonight. Everybody's going someplace. But where? Can you be sure
you're in the right building? Can you? Really?
I am here for the problem.
I have the solution.
And here it is.
HOW TO TELL YOUR HOCKEY TEAM FROM YOUR BASEBALL TEAM: 30 SUREFIRE SIGNS
1. Teeth.
2. That is, hockey teeth come out. Baseball teeth stay in. Usually. Unless
the guy's been chewing a lot of tobacco.
3. Tobacco.
4. Clothing. Baseball players wear their uniforms skin tight; A hockey
uniform, on the other hand, should be loose enough to hide a Doberman Pinscher
inside.
5. Hat tricks. In hockey, they mean three goals. In baseball, they mean
Vaseline under the brim.
6. Little Caesars at baseball, Domino's at --
7. No. Wait.
8. The names Jean-Pierre, Gilbert and Michel. You won't find many baseball
players answering to that.
9. Not publicly, anyhow.
More saves in hockey
10. A hockey goalie gets more saves in one night than a relief pitcher
gets in a year. Unless the pitcher is Lee Smith. Or the goalie is Sonny
Elliot.
11. Domino's at hockey, Little Caesars at --
12. No. Wait.
13. When a baseball player says "knock one out" he is referring to his
teammate hitting a home run. When a hockey player says "knock one out" he is
referring to the opponent's teeth.
14. Resin bags.
15. Dirt on the uniform. If a hockey player has a dirt stain, he's been
skating in the parking lot.
16. Hockey players like to do interviews. Even in-between periods.
Baseball players like to do interviews the first day they arrive from the
minors. After that, they think every reporter has worms.
17. Baseball umpires can't skate.
18. Hockey players come from cute little Canadian towns, like Moose Jaw
and Medicine Hat. Baseball players come from Stubenville, Ohio.
19. Even the Toronto Blue Jays.
Watch out for Czech swings
20. In baseball, the phrase "check swing" means the batter did not go all
the way around on a pitch. In hockey "check swing" means Petr Klima just took
a shot.
21. No laces on a puck.
22. When you ask a hockey coach who will win tonight's game, he says:
"Well, da Maple Leaf are a fine hockey club, and we're gonna put da puck in da
net and we're gonna win and den my boys are gonna pound a few back home
tonight, for sure, eh?"
23. You ask a baseball manager who will win tonight's game, he says:
"(spit) What do I look like? A bleeping (spit) genie? (spit)."
24. The names Willie, Pedro, Mookie.
25. You won't find many hockey players answering to those names.
26. Baseball players scratch themselves more.
27. Hockey has the penalty box, a place where the player must sit quietly
and be huimiliated.
28. In baseball, they call that an arbitration hearing.
29. HARRR-ROOOLLLD!
30. In baseball when one player tells another "nice hit" he is referring
to a double down the right field line. In hockey, when one player tells
another "nice hit" it means somebody is lying on the ice with a busted nose.
Well. There you have it. You should be safe now. Go and enjoy your
favorite sport, with a clear conscience.
Oh. One more thing. When a player hits one into the stands at a baseball
game, you should stick your glove high in the air and try your best to catch
that magical souvenir.
And when a hockey player hits one out?
Duck.