8601170960
DETROIT FREE PRESS
860421
Monday, April 21, 1986
METRO FINAL
1F
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1986, Detroit Free Press
A GUIDE TO MARATHONING -- SHOULD YOU GO INSANE
BOSTON -- Every spring they run the Boston Marathon, and every spring,
thousands of seemingly normal Americans sit by their TV sets and say, "You
know, I should try that."
One can only assume this is some mysterious disease and that we will soon
have a vaccine for it. In the meantime, those afflicted should realize today's
marathon is not like the good old days back in ancient Greece, when
contestants ran naked for 26 miles and then dropped dead behind a rock.
No. Things have changed. They are much more complex. So if you still want
to run one of these things after watching today's race, you will need to know
what it takes to make it 26 miles. Which is why I have prepared the following
11-point guide on how to approach your first marathon:
1. CHOOSE THE RIGHT RUNNING SHOES -- Once upon a time, people ran in
sneakers. Once upon a time, you got free silverware at the gas station, too.
Today, the educated marathoner realizes the value of Nike footwear, and will
often drop out of law school in order to afford two pairs. But never fear.
You, the first-time marathoner, should be able to purchase a good running
shoe, which is computer-designed and made from the hide of a puma, by simply
refinancing your mortgage or selling one of your children.
2. CHOOSE THE RIGHT CLOTHING -- Once upon a time, people ran in sweatshirts.
These were the same people who ate with silverware from gas stations. Today,
you must dress the part of a serious marathoner if you are to fool even one
person along the course. The right outfit consists of a sleeveless mesh
singlet, which is made from a single spool of Korean thread and costs no more
than $485, and running shorts, which should be made of a quick- dry material,
in case it rains or someone throws his beer at you for a laugh.
3. EAT THE RIGHT PRE-RACE MEAL -- Many lengthy books on marathoning that
cost upward of $17.95 suggest loading up on pasta and cake the night before
the race. You may be skeptical, since most fat people have been following
that regimen for years, and they didn't have to pay $17.95, either. As a
first- time marathoner, I suggest you try Mexican food instead. It won't help
your carbohydrates, but it can provide a serious enough stomachache to make
you forget the whole thing and stay in bed.
4. USE THE BATHROOM BEFORE LEAVING THE HOUSE -- Self- explanatory.
5. IGNORE THE SERIOUS RUNNERS -- At every big marathon, there are a dozen or
so world-class runners who are favored to win. You will never see these
people. They are of absolutely no concern to you. By the time you finish,
these people will have celebrated a birthday and will be on a plane to
someplace such as Finland.
6. IGNORE THE PRIZE MONEY -- Even the Boston Marathon now offers big money to
its top finishers. This, too, is of absolutely no concern to you. All the
money will be given out by the time you reach the six-mile mark. The only
financial gain you can hope to realize is if you bet the guys at the office
you won't suffer a coronary before 20 miles, and you live long enough to
collect.
7. DO NOT EAT A HERO SANDWICH DURING THE RACE -- Just a warning.
8. KNOW YOUR HAND SIGNALS -- Communication during a marathon is essential,
especially when 47 runners try to squeeze between two trees at the same time.
This is why the international marathon hand signals were created. A quick
review:
Five fingers: "I'm waving at my kids. Ignore me."
Four fingers: "I am going down on all fours now, and will crawl the rest of
the way. Go around me. "
Three fingers: "I will be dead shortly. Please call my wife, mother and
stockbroker."
Two fingers: "Victory! Victory! Oh, my heart . . ."
One finger can mean many things, none of which we will go into right now.
9. AVOID FOREIGNERS -- Anyone who flies in from another country to run in a
marathon is not going to have time for your problems. Thus, if you were hit
by a truck, the foreign runner is likely to go right by you and say, "Pardon.
My english, dog, your foot is, haven't we?" It is much safer to run next to
people whose marathon outfits cost $1,235 or more, as you will know they are
Americans.
10. PRACTICE BOBBING AND WEAVING -- In the early stages of a marathon, the
happy spectators along the course offer oranges and cups of water to the
big-name runners. However, after sitting in the same spot for 3 1/2 hours
these same happy spectators can grow restless and bored. Soon they start
whipping the oranges like major league fastballs. If you hear a voice scream,
"Ten bucks says I can hit No. 3,407 in the face!" it is a good idea to begin
the bob and weave. Especially if you are No. 3,407.
11. CELEBRATE PROPERLY -- Should you somehow finish all 26 miles before
midnight, fall to your knees, scream "hallelujah!" and rip off your shoes,
singlet and shorts right there in the middle of the street. You will then be
arrested for indecent exposure and taken to jail, which is OK, since your ride
home will have left hours ago.
COLUMN