8801200156
DETROIT FREE PRESS
880429
Friday, April 29, 1988
METRO FINAL CHASER
1D
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1988, Detroit Free Press
THIS ARENA FOOTBALL SIMPLY TOO WEIRD
I have a new job. I just found out. I am now the official Sports Writer Of
The Weird And Strange. I learned this as I was getting ready for Thursday
night's NBA playoff game between the Pistons and the Bullets.
"Change of plans," said my boss. "You're covering opening night of the
Detroit Drive."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Arena football. The 50-yard war. New sport."
"I beg your pardon?"
Now. Don't get me wrong. I am sure the Detroit Drive has a nice bunch of
guys. But I am not much for sports that come with an instruction kit. I am OK
on football in autumn. I am OK on football in winter. Do not give me football
in April. I am sorry.
I beg your pardon?
They play inside a hockey arena?
Listen, you got the wrong guy. I have a mental block. It began 20 years
ago, when my mother took me aside, put her loving arms around me, and said:
"STOP PLAYING FOOTBALL IN THE HOUSE OR I'LL BREAK YOUR LITTLE NECK!"
It scarred me for life.
"But this is your kind of event," my boss said. "It's offbeat. Unusual."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Just think. No punting. They play kickoffs off the wall. The Detroit
Drive! Its first game! This will be a historic night."
"I beg your pardon?"
Chairmen of the boards
OK. I went. I'm a sap for history. Also, I was parked nearby. Which brings
me to one thing I liked immediately about arena football: traffic. There isn't
any. I made the trip in four seconds. As I was walking in, I heard a guy
trying to scalp tickets.
"Where are they at?" the buyer asked.
"Fifty-yard line," he said.
Did I mention the field is only 50 yards long? Somebody just blew 20
bucks.
And I walked on the field.
Just walked on. Nobody cared. A couple of cheerleaders were practicing in
street clothes. There was the Drive kicker, Novo Bojovic. (How did I know he
was a kicker? He was talking to a reporter.)
"Look at the out-of-bounds," he said. "The wall only comes up to my
shoulder! Somebody gets hit hard, he's gonna flip over and land in some fan's
lap."
"Geez," said the reporter.
"Yeah. It'll be great."
Let us skip ahead to the opening kickoff. Novo's kickoff. It bounced off
the net. The net? Yes. The net hangs tautly behind each end zone. It looks
like a giant backstop. The ball hits it, it is in play. Whenever. Wherever.
Carl Yastrzemski could have had a second career.
And I looked up.
And the score was 13-6.
Now, I would not say they score quickly in arena football (19-6). I would
not say it, because while I was saying it (19-18), the score would change
again (25-18), which it did (32-25), often.
"Tight defense," I mumbled to a colleague.
"What's that?" he said.
And it was 39-38.
Did I mention the announcer? Jim Johnson? From WLLZ-FM (98.7). I didn't
know he had a voice after 10 a.m. And I work with the guy. Jim's best line of
the night went: "IN ARENA FOOTBALL, THERE IS NOOOO PUNTING."
He said it 34 times.
And the score was 45-38.
Novo kicked and kicked and kicked
Novo kicked off again (and again and again) and, look out! The ball went
sailing into the stands! And a guy caught it! Which brings me to the best part
of arena football: You get to keep the footballs you catch. I think this is
very kind of the new league. I think it will increase attendance dramatically.
Except behind the net.
"GO DRIVE!" screamed a fan.
And the score was 51-44.
Now. This is not a sport without problems. Field goals. Field goals are a
problem, because the goal posts are as wide as Hershey bars. And because there
is no punting (ask Jim), most fourth downs are field-goal attempts. Poor
Novo. I think he was like 0-for-80. And the season just started.
Also, I am concerned about the mental health of our players. Here is team
that hails from Detroit, wears the Houston Oilers' colors, and dresses in a
hockey locker room. You gotta wonder how these guys fill out credit card
applications.
Besides, they play with a One Minute Warning. I don't trust that.
Having said that, I will say this: In the first 10 minutes of Thursday
night's game, I saw two Detroit touchdown passes and a Detroit kickoff return
for a touchdown. You can wait six months and not see that with the Lions.
And the score was 57-51.
By the way, the crowd was large. Over 16,000. Which brings me to my last
concern: What about the final gun? Where do they fire that thing? I mean, this
is a small arena. We might have to duck.
But barring those little details, I have high hopes for arena football. It
reminds me of the pickup game we used to play in the street. Especially the
part about going home with someone else's ball. And, of course, there's always
that traffic incentive.
So good luck, God bless. As for me, my arena days may be numbered. There's
another NBA playoff game, and I must attend, rain or shine.
Unless the Rattlesnake Races come to town.
After all, I have a reputation to uphold.
DDRIVE;ARENA FOOTBALL;COLUMN;GAME;FIRST;HUMOR