8602170942
DETROIT FREE PRESS
861023
Thursday, October 23, 1986
METRO FINAL CHASER
1D
Photo
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1986, Detroit Free Press
MOVE OVER, DARLING; IT'S TIME FOR US TO TRADE PLACES
BOSTON -- Listen. I have a trade to propose: Me for Ron Darling. One for
one.
Here's the deal. Darling, the New York Mets' heartthrob pitcher, gets
everything I own. Everything I ever accomplished. Everything I ever laid my
eyes, ears or hands on, including my first bicycle. And I get to be him for 24
hours.
That's all. Just one day. I do not jest. Everything in the kitty. For 24
hours.
Of course, I get to use those 24 hours any way I want. So if I accidentally
spill some Dom Perignon on the carpet of his penthouse duplex in Manhattan,
he can't be ticked off. Or if I blow one of the modeling assignments he has
for the cover of, what, Gentlemen's Quarterly? Yeah. He can't get too mad
over that, either. After all, it takes awhile to get used to being that
good-looking.
But I am willing to learn.
Under the agreement, I get to speak French, just like Darling. I get to
claim Hawaii as my birthplace. I get to be 6- feet-3, 195 pounds, and sport
that two-day stubble that everyone finds so sexy these days. I get to win a
World Series game, 6-2 -- as he did Wednesday night -- and be interviewed by
every TV camera in the free world. I get the Mercedes. I get to speak Mandarin
Chinese.
Did I mention Yale?
Oh, yeah. Yale. I get to call Yale my alma mater, get to stroll down the
ivy path -- or is that Harvard? Wait. Well, what's the difference? -- and when
someone asks, "Did you really major in Southeast Asian history?" I get to
shuffle my feet coyly and say, "Well, yeah, you know. . . ."
Your wife, Ron? The model from Ireland?
Part of the deal.
He probably needs the rest
Now lest you think this a rash proposal, let me explain. I have been
watching Darling, 26, since this World Series began. I knew about his academic
background. I saw the brooding good looks.
Last week, in a crowd of reporters interviewing him at Shea Stadium, I
noticed another crowd behind us in the stands. It was mostly young, attractive
women screaming and waving pieces of paper. I believe they were phone
numbers. Maybe they were stock tips.
Anyhow, the women kept screaming and waving and blowing kisses at my man
here. It was then that I figured, "You know, this guy could use a break."
Oh. Your pitching arm, Ron. I get that, too.
True, it is hard to believe a man with Hawaiian skin tone, an Elvis pout
and wavy black hair, who earns more than a half- million a year, has been
linked with Madonna and Brooke Shields, played defensive back in a
Harvard-Yale football game, chats with Norman Mailer, plans to study Russian,
looks natural in charcoal gray silk suits, and was once chased down a
Manhattan street by a pack of squealing teenage girls, should also be blessed
with a 15-6 record and a big World Series win for the New York Mets.
But then, that is why I'm suggesting the trade. You don't give up the
store to be Spike Owen.
Take my typewriter, please
Now, I know there might be difficulties in my 24 hours as a star pitcher.
It cannot be easy when your manager keeps calling you "Darling."
But I'll face that.
Did I mention the New York Times crossword puzzle? Darling has done that in
eight minutes. I might take nine. Is that OK?
Listen, Ron. About your wife. Don't worry. I'll be so busy with the other
things.
Besides, didn't you once say getting married to a gorgeous, long-limbed,
redheaded model was not in your plans when you two met? "The last thing I
wanted was to meet someone unbelievably special," I believe was the quote.
Ron. Kid. We all sympathize with that.
So why not take a day off? Ron Darling's Day Off. They'll probably make it
into a movie. Meanwhile, you can have my typewriter and my files and there's
even a free one-way Greyhound bus ticket in my top drawer, I think to
Philadelphia, a little something special for you, Ron, as a bonus.
Don't worry. I will take good care of your existence. And you can mess up
mine any way you like. Just don't expect a Mercedes. It's, uh, you know, in
the shop. Yeah. That's where it is.
So let's do it. Make the trade. You can use the relaxation. And I am
prepared for the tough times, the ugly side of being a World Series winner.
Your wife has been candid about what I might face. "Women sometimes push
me out of the way to get Ronnie's autograph," she has moaned. "It can really
be annoying."
Like I always say, Ron, life's a pitch.
CUTLINE
Ron Darling