8602240323
DETROIT FREE PRESS
861130
Sunday, November 30, 1986
METRO FINAL
1E
Photo
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1986, Detroit Free Press
CREAM PUFF? U-M CAN GIVE NO. 1 MIAMI ITS JUST DESERTS
TO: Jimmy Johnson, coach, Miami
FROM: Bo Schembechler, coach, Michigan
Dear Jimmy,
First, let me congratulate you on a fine season. Well done. Undefeated?
Wow. You couldn't do better than that, even if you played real teams.
Listen, Jimmy, the reason I am writing: I'm a little concerned -- as a
fellow coach -- about all this criticism concerning your program. It's not
right that the No. 1 team in the nation keeps hearing the words "cream puff"
wherever it goes.
Just because you played Tulsa? And Northern Illinois? And Cincinnati? And
they call that cream puff? Honestly! I have all the respect in the world for
the . . . the, uh . . . what's the Tulsa team called again? Well, dang it. It
doesn't matter. It's all the media's fault anyhow.
You know how the media are, Jimmy.
Anyhow, I see you're going to the Fiesta Bowl. Fine place. We were there
last year. Of course, we didn't get $2 million per team like you guys will.
But I don't care about that.
Here's the thing, Jimmy: You should rid yourself of all this cream puff
criticism. You're No. 1 right? But look -- your Fiesta Bowl opponent is Penn
State. Heck, they're just you in blue and white uniforms. Another independent
with an easy schedule. So what if they're No. 2? People say their opponents
are as marshmallow as yours.
No, Jimmy, clearly what you need is one more challenge from a school
solidly entrenched in a conference tradition. Somebody big. Somebody Big.
Somebody . . . Big Ten.
Why, of course . . .
Say, here's an idea How about us?
We're not too busy after this week. We've got to play Hawaii, which is as
least as tough as the last three teams you've played. And then, we're free
until the Rose Bowl. Heck, why don't you and your team come on up here the
week before Christmas and we'll play us a little football?
Let me tell you a bit about us, in case you don't know. We are a large-sized
Midwestern university nestled in the town of Ann Arbor. (I'm copying this
right from the brochure.) Ann Arbor is in Michigan. Which borders Indiana.
Which borders Illinois, which borders Missouri, which borders Arkansas, which
borders Oklahoma, which is where you find Tulsa.
You know Tulsa, of course.
What is their team called again . . . ?
Oh, well, forget it. Now, Jimmy here's the reason I suggest you come up
here.
Snow.
Yes, I said snow, Jimmy. Prove you can play in it. All the great college
champions have played in snow, and we're sure to have some by mid-December.
Besides, I think our winter wonderland may be a safer place for your team.
Safer? Yes. Look at what happened last week after one of your practices
down in the sunshine. Your star quarterback, Vinny Testaverde, was riding home
on his scooter and crashed. Got all bruised and cut. You couldn't even use
him against East Carolina, which must have caused you great concern, as tough
as they are.
We don't use scooters up here.
We use steel-belted radials.
Think of it as a tune-up I'm only thinking of you with this proposal
Jimmy. As a fellow coach. Hey, who needs all that cream puff talk? You don't.
Come on up here and play us, and beat us, and you can shut them all up.
Of course if we win . . .
Well, let's not get into that now.
It might be good for your men to lose a little of their tans, too, and let
some of that cocoa butter dry up before New Year's. Football players should
have black stuff under their eyes, not white cream on their noses.
Besides, we have a pretty decent quarterback of our own, and we've been
known to play some defense now and then. I feel confident we can give you at
least as tough a game as, say . . . Texas Tech. You did play Texas Tech,
didn't you? What's their team called, again? Well, dang it. Doesn't matter.
Anyhow, a game with us will help clear up this rankings stuff once and for
all. You'll soon play No. 2, you've already played No. 3 (Oklahoma), now you
can play No. 4. That's us. Not that I care about a national championship. I
don't. Heck.
That's why I let us lose that Minnesota game.
So there it is. Just a challenge. You know me, Jimmy. I don't believe in
taunts. I won't try to make you mad just to get you to play us. Good clean
football, that's always been my approach.
By the way, who does your hair? You look so much like Glen Campbell, it
kills me.
Sincerely,
Bo.
CUTLINE
Jimmy Johnson
COLUMN