8502190518
DETROIT FREE PRESS
851206
Friday, December 06, 1985
METRO FINAL
1D
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1985, Detroit Free Press
SANTA'S MAILBAG BRIMS WITH SPORTING WHIMS
I refuse to read other people's mail. I don't mind writing it, however.
Here, then, in this holiday season, are a few letters to Santa Claus from
members of the sports world, for whom I will act as secretary.
What do they want for Christmas?
Dear Santa,
A rib roast, a side of beef, 13 Butterball turkeys, two kegs of eggnog and
a Twinkies truck.
Your friend in fatness,
WILLIAM (THE REFRIGERATOR) PERRY
Dear Santa,
I ask for zero. New England zero, Green Bay zero, Chicago zero. Thank you.
DARRYL ROGERS
Dear Santa,
If I ask for something big, they'll say I'm demanding too much. If I ask
for something small, they'll say I'm selling out cheaply.
To hell with it. Bring me a Porsche.
Your pal,
KIRK GIBSON
Dear Santa,
I wish for happiness and peace, yes? And for everyone to speak more
slower.
P. KLIMA
Dear Santa,
It's not my place to ask for anything special. If, however, you have
someone lying around who measures 7 feet 2, can dribble behind his back and
can outrebound Roy Tarpley in street clothes, feel free to drop him down my
chimney.
JUD HEATHCOTE
Dear Santa,
. . . and 600 doughnuts and a trunk full of goulash.
THE FRIDGE
Dear Mr. Santa,
I want to be short for 24 hours.
MANUTE BOL
Dear Santa,
Please make my son a winning NFL coach. I'm finished. I coulda been
somebody. I coulda been a contendah. I coulda been anybody, but a bum. Which
is what I am, let's face it. A Bum.
O.A. PHILLIPS
Dear Santa,
All I ask for is a hockey player who can hit and score. And for all
Domino's pizzas to be delivered cold.
M. ILITCH
Dear Santa,
All I ask for is a baseball player who can hit and score. And for all
Little Caesars pizzas to make people choke.
T. MONAGHAN
TO: S. Claus
FROM: Howard Cosell
RE: Christmas Procurement
Dear Santa,
So, my corpulent friend, we correspond again. As you no doubt know, my
audacious attempt at literary achievement has surpassed even the loftiest
expectations of publishers around the globe. My pugnacious style, unyielding
wit and indefatigable ability to tell it like it is has proved the critics to
be the lunkheaded, nonsensical, raving imbeciles that I alwa-- (letter
burned).
Dear Santa,
Bring me the head of Marvin Hagler.
T. HEARNS
Dear Santa,
I have everything I need. But I want to share with others. You know the
illness that makes your glands swell up so you can't talk? I'd like to give
that to several of my favorite sports writers. The enclosed 100 names will
do nicely.
B. SCHEMBECHLER
Mr. Claus,
Look. You don't buy me, I buy you. Understand? What's it gonna cost? 300
mill? I'll write a check. I want you on my team, fat man. I'll build you your
own building. A skyscraper. The elves can have their own elf-ator. Just get me
into the NFL, damn it. Get me a team, damn it. What's it gonna cost? 500 mill?
I'll write a check.
DONALD TRUMP
Dear Santa Man,
You are fat and you look like that percent&$! umpire, Denkinger. You come
down my #$percent! chimney and I break your $percent*! face. I am Joaquin!
#$percent*!
J. ANDUJAR
Dear Santa,
. . . and a wheelbarrow full of chili, and maybe an ox.
FRIDGE
Dear Santa,
Thanks for the offer, but I'm very happy. I don't mind the one year left
on my contract. Really. I don't mind being handcuffed here. Really. I hardly
think about Philadelphia at all.
Do you deliver in June?
CHUCK DALY
Dear Santa,
What's left?
BRET SABERHAGEN