8502200342
DETROIT FREE PRESS
851211
Wednesday, December 11, 1985
METRO FINAL
1D
Photo
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1985, Detroit Free Press
KIRK, PUT IT IN THE WANT ADS:
'MY TEAM AND I ARE THROUGH'
Poor Kirk Gibson.
A baseball star without a contract.
Nobody wants him. Except the Tigers. And he doesn't want them. Not at
their latest offer.
"Hard Times For Free Agents" read the cover of Sports Illustrated last
week, above a photo of Gibson. He was looking angry.
Who'd have thought being talented, rich, and handsome could bring so many
problems?
Well. I have a suggestion. It is time for action. It is time for Kirk to
do as any businessman would. When supply exceeds demand, there is only one
answer.
Take out an ad.
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SITUATION WANTED: Young, strong baseball player seeks long- term, mutually
beneficial arrangement with major league club. Let me make you great! Location
no object. Climate no object. Uniform no object. Money an object. Contact
agent.
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This could run in The New York Times, the Atlanta Constitution, the Kansas
City Star, and any other newspaper in a major league city.
But newspapers are just the beginning. Let's talk magazines. Lots of ads
in magazines. Like Rolling Stone:
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THIS GUN FOR HIRE! He's free. He's loose. And he's ready to rock your town.
Kirk Gibson. For a limited time only. Feel the power. Grrrrrr.
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Or Business Week:
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INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY: High-yield professional athlete available at depressed
rate due to sudden drop in market conditions. Low risk of injury. Proven
ticket seller. Make your money back in no time. Serious investors only,
please.
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Or even Soldier Of Fortune magazine:
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ATTN. MAJOR LEAGUE OWNER: If you are a mouse, you can stop reading right now.
But if you are a man, this message is for you. Show your courage. Show your
guts. Sign on the dotted line and get yourself five years' worth of baseball
power. My name is Kirk Gibson. I can say that proudly. Can you?
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You see how powerful words can be? But let's not forget pictures. It's
hard to sell these days without pictures. How about this:
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DO YOU KNOW ME? I'm a talented, exciting baseball star in the prime of my
career. I was the MVP of the American League Championships in 1984. I can grow
a beard in six seconds. I drive the women fans crazy. And -- are you ready? --
I'm available. Yes. You can stop rubbing your eyes now. Get out your American
Express Card. Let's talk turkey, turkey.
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And then there's the personals. Oh yes. The personals are very big these
days. Kirk Gibson could advertise in the personals. It might work.
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SINGLE WHITE MALE, 28, tall, athletic build, seeks meaningful relationship
with other sports lovers who enjoy standing in the sun, signing autographs,
and spitting tobacco at anything that moves. Sincere, honest, sensitive. I
want to share. Turn-ons? A fastball down the middle, a sizable bank account.
Turn-offs? Shaving cream, sports writers. Interested? Let's get together.
Write BOX 23, Detroit, MI. All inquiries confidential.
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Too wordy? OK. Let's go with something simple.
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FOR SALE: HR httr. Mint Cond. Looks gd., runs gd. Must see!
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Maybe Gibson could get into one of those Dewar's Profile whiskey ads. That
would be good:
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NAME: Kirk Gibson
EDUCATION: Michigan State, Tiger dug out
OCCUPATION: Free-agent baseball star
PHILOSOPHY: "If I'm not worth 5 years and 8 million dollars, I'll vomit."
SCOTCH: Dewar's White Label.
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Of course, some baseball owners do not read newspapers or magazines. Some
do not read at all. Otherwise, they would read their balance sheets and die of
a heart attack.
But owners smoke cigars. This means they need matches. And what is on the
cover of every good matchbook?
Why, an ad. How about that?
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CAN YOU DRAW THIS FACE? If you can, and you own a baseball team, you might
have a new career -- as boss of the greatest free-agent in baseball today.
Write for more info.
Or . . .
MONEY NO OBJECT! If you agree with the previous statement, then we've got the
ball player for you. Call K. Gibson. 1-800-FOR- HIRE.
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Anyhow, there it is. The power of the ad. I feel certain with the right
campaign, Gibson's problems will soon be over. Someone will bite. Someone
always bites. How do you think those hair-weave people stay in business?
Of course, if the someone who bites is someone other than the Tigers,
Detroit readers can look for another ad soon in their favorite publications.
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WANTED: Right-fielder for major league franchise. Must be powerful, fast, and
not hung up on material possessions. Great opportunity for right individual.
Contact The Detroit Tigers.
Hurry. Please.
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