9401030818
DETROIT FREE PRESS
940124
Monday, January 24, 1994
METRO FINAL CHASER
1C
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1994, Detroit Free Press
PROSPECT OF RERUN BOWL ENOUGH TO MAKE ONE SICK
ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. -- There is no God.
OK, maybe that's a tad extreme. But what can you say when Buffalo returns
for a fourth straight Super Bowl? You're happy? You can't wait? It's like
being told you have to have your tonsils out again.
For three draining years, Super Bowl Sunday has been plagued by the Bills,
and now, as Dolly Parton once sang, here they come again. They are as welcome
as locusts at a picnic, or Richard Simmons in a library. They are your
least-favorite relative, banging on the kitchen door and saying, "Surprise!
Got anything to eat?"
And they are back in the Big Show. Suddenly, football's spotlight moment
has been turned into Oliver Twist, stepping up to the food line and getting
gruel, gruel, and more gruel.
Happy? We're supposed to be happy?
"This is what we've waited for all year," said a jubilant Jim Kelly, after
the Bills clubbed the Chiefs, 30-13, to return, yet again, to the Big Game
They Always Screw Up. "Of course, we're not satisfied. There's one more
challenge. We have one more river to cross."
I am bringing a life raft. Or better yet, a doctor's note. Severe headache?
Late case of measles? Anything to be excused from Sunday's game. After all,
do we really want another Super Bowl where "competitive balance" ends with the
coin flip?
"Today's championship means more than the others, because nobody gave us
any credit," Bruce Smith snarled in the victorious Bills' locker room.. "They
didn't show us any respect, and we proved them wrong today."
Well, that's a matter of opinion. May I remind Bruce and Jim and the other
happy Bills that we have seen this scene before? A lopsided win in the AFC
championship, followed by a gulp and a sink and dying bubbles in the Super
Bowl?
In case you've forgotten. . . . Score of last four AFC Championships:
Buffalo 120, Opponents 33.
Score of last three Super Bowls: Opponents 109, Buffalo 60.
Chicken pox! That's it! I have the chicken pox!
Montana came to pass . . . out
Now, perhaps, like many football fans, you were counting on Kansas City to
save us from this trauma. You figured Joe (Miracle) Montana would liberate the
Super Bowl from Buffalo's clutches. After all, he has been to four Big Games
himself, and has won them all. Now, with the Chiefs, he was hungry for
another. He had the tools. He had the talent.
Alas, he lacked one important ingredient: consciousness. Early in the
third quarter Sunday, Joe was clobbered by three Bills. His head hit the turf;
he saw a white flash, felt a sharp pain, and spent the rest of the game on the
bench. He's gonna be really upset that the Chiefs lost -- once he wakes up
and finds out.
"When I hit him, I knew something was wrong," Smith said, "because he was
lying on the ground, holding his head, and when I asked if he was all right,
he just moaned, "Ohhh, ohhh." That describes the press box after the final
gun. Ohh, ohhhhhhhh . . .
Now, please, understand. It's not that anyone hates the Bills, their
players, their coaches, or even their somewhat grumpy fans. It's just that,
well, there's only one Super Bowl: You like it to last through the first bag
of potato chips. Buffalo has tried the postseason three straight times, and
each year has been worse than the last. They're like a really bad nightclub
singer who keeps auditioning and you say, "Thank you," and he keeps singing
and you say, "Thank you. . . . THANK YOU. . . . HELLO? . . . "
Of course, Bills fans will point to Sunday and say, "Ahem, were you
watching?" And we were. And it's true. Buffalo was spectacular. Thurman Thomas
ran through the Chiefs' defense like a moving van through marshmallows. The
Bills' offensive line opened holes the size of Canada. The Bills' defense had
four sacks, two interceptions and one concussion.
It was dominating football. And at one point, an NBC announcer wondered
aloud: "Why can't they do this in a Super Bowl?"
Because, you dope, they're not playing the Kansas City Chiefs in a Super
Bowl. They're not playing the Miami Dolphins, or the Denver Broncos, or the
LA Raiders in a Super Bowl. They're playing teams like last year's Dallas
Cowboys, and this year's Dallas Cowboys, who -- surprise! -- are favored to
win again.
The flu! Cough. Cough. I suddenly have this terrible flu. . . .
Maybe we'll try '60 Minutes' remedy
Of course, this is not a new sentiment. All last week, pundits were praying
that Buffalo would exit in the championship round. This did not sit well with
players like Smith.
"To hell with what people wanted to see," Smith said. "We're in the Super
Bowl. What they're gonna see is the Buffalo Bills. If they don't like it,
they can turn off their TV sets."
Hmmm. Is that a football player talking, or a network president?
Well, Bruce is right, I guess. We have two choices: Shut off the Super
Bowl and watch "60 Minutes," or watch the Super Bowl until it gets out of
hand, and then watch "60 Minutes."
Either way, we end up with too much Andy Rooney for a football Sunday. And
either way, we're in trouble. Face it, folks. It's Buffalo again -- against
Dallas again. And you have six days left to devise a game plan.
Me? I'm working on a head cold.