9001160524
DETROIT FREE PRESS
900426
Thursday, April 26, 1990
METRO FINAL
1D
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1990, Detroit Free Press
LAST LAUGH TO PISTONS, LAST PUNCH TO BARKLEY
You hate to wait. I know this. You want answers. I know this. Who will win
the NBA title? Who will be the stars? Who on Earth scheduled these playoffs
to last longer than the Spanish-American war?
I know this.
WEEK 1: The Pistons open with two home wins over Indiana. Then, because of
the brilliant NBA schedule, they have enough time off to jet to Paris, India
and the South Pole. Meanwhile, Dick Versace, in an effort to rally his
troops, has the words "JUST WIN, BABY" shaved into the back of his head.
Unfortunately, he is mistaken at the door for a member of the now-defunct Sex
Pistols, and is denied a pass. Without their coach, the Pacers lose by 60.
Elsewhere, the Bulls eliminate Milwaukee in a series that even the Weather
Channel refuses to televise. The Philly-Cleveland tilt ends quickly after
Charles Barkley punches out Brad Daugherty, Mark Price and the Cavaliers' ball
boy. Barkley says: "I make $3 million a year. You think I care about a $50,000
fine? And which one was the ball boy?" In New York, the Knicks try to avoid a
Boston sweep by bringing Willis Reed out of retirement. But Reed, 103 years
old, is still younger than most of the Celtics. Boston wins. And in the West
. . .
. . . Sorry, no late scores.
WEEK 2: Travel days. Pistons tour Japan.
WEEK 3: Fully rested, the Pistons twice defeat the Celtics to start Round
2. Then, at Boston Garden, they lose their first game of the playoffs, 86-0,
after the Celts lock them in the dressing room. "Cheap trick," mumbles coach
Chuck Daly. To avoid a repeat, he tells his team to dress at center court from
now on. The players are a tad embarrassed. Dennis Rodman has the words "DON'T
LOOK" shaved into the back of his head. Still, Detroit wins easily, although
few reporters want interviews, because there are no postgame showers.
Meanwhile, Michael Jordan puts on a show in the Chicago- Philly series. He
scores 63, 54, 71 and 65 points before Game 5, when he runs smack into a Rick
Mahorn/Charles Barkley sandwich and faints. "Sea of Tranquillity!" Mahorn
yells. A fight erupts. Barkley punches out the entire Bulls bench, three
popcorn vendors and the mop man. Charles says: "I make $3 million a year. You
think I care about some $200,000 fine? Mop this!"
And in the West . . . no news yet.
WEEK 4: Travel days. Pistons tour Australia.
WEEK 5: Round 3: The Pistons meet the 76ers in the Eastern Conference
finals. As usual, Thomas Hearns attends, but this time, he is the undercard.
Both teams come out dressed in red silk robes, to the music from "Rocky." The
court is wrapped with ropes. A moment from Game 1:
PISTONS: "WHACK! . . . THUD!"
76ERS: "POW! . . . OOMPH!"
SINGER: "Oh, say, can you seeee. . . . "
One by one, players land in the hospital. By Game 3, little children are
visiting them and signing their casts. By Game 7, only six men remain on each
team. Barkley has officially KO'd six Pistons, 16 fans, 34 reporters and
Hearns. In fact, Barkley is declared the new super-middleweight champion. He
is also leveled $2 million in fines. "I make $3 million a year," he says, "you
think I care about $2 million? I am champion of the world! Me! ME! I want
Fraaazier! I want Fraaazier! FLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY--"
With no one else to turn to, Daly asks Scott Hastings and David Greenwood
to do their best against Barkley. They amaze the sports world by holding him
to three shots, while scoring 68 points themselves. Detroit advances to the
finals.
"Great job, Scottie! Great job, Wood!" Daly gushes. "When did you guys get
so talented?"
They look at Daly. "Do we know you?" they say.
WEEK 6: NBA commissioner David Stern is shocked to learn that no Western
Conference playoff games have been played to date. In fact, no West Coast
games have been played all year. "They figured we'd keep seeing 'inc.' in the
papers and never find out," a glum Stern says.
Just as I thought.
WEEK 7: The Lakers are elected Western Conference champions because
everyone else has gone home. They face Detroit in a rematch of last year's
finals. Excitement is high. "Hello, everyone!" Brent Musburger says. "What a
marvelous display of basketball! Wouldn't you say so, Dick Stockton?"
"Brent," Stockton says, "you don't work for us anymore. Can I have my mike
back?"
The series begins. As expected, it goes back and forth. In Game 2, Bill
Laimbeer, in a full body cast, bounces the winning basket off his head. In
Game 5, Vlade Divac slips through the Pistons' defense. "I thought he was some
Russian folk singer," Mark Aguirre says. Finally, we reach Game 7. The
Pistons load up with Spike Lee, Mark Breland and the Winans. The Lakers
counter with Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson -- until Adam West and Cesar
Romero show up and say, "You're in our seats." The game is close. The lead
seesaws. Trailing by one, with three seconds left, Detroit's James Edwards
throws up a hook. It swishes! Pistons win! In the locker room afterward,
Edwards shaves his head and sits cross-legged with his arms folded, as his
teammates chant, "Buddha! Buddha!" Chuck Daly quits to tour with Mel Torme.
John Salley gets a new contract and moves into a bigger house, Joe Louis
Arena. Joe Dumars wins the MVP award, but gives it back. Meanwhile, in Las
Vegas, Charles Barkley floors Buster Douglas to win the heavyweight crown. It
is considered a mild upset.
COLUMN; DPISTONS; BASKETBALL;Pistons