9401250753
DETROIT FREE PRESS
940711
Monday, July 11, 1994
METRO FINAL
1C
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1994, Detroit Free Press
REPORT AT THE BREAK: A BALL OF CONFUSION
O: Mr. Baseball Commissioner
FROM: Field Correspondent
RE: All-Star Break Report
Dear Sir,
As per your request, I am filing my report on the state of baseball at the
midway point and, to sum up, let me say, Brazil 3, Netherlands 2.
No, you're right, that is not baseball. But that is my point. More people
are now familiar with World Cup soccer than they are with many parts of our
national pastime, such as when does the strike start, who makes the playoffs,
what division does Milwaukee play in, and is the strike over yet?
Baseball is confused. I say this not because the Tigers' road uniforms
look like blueberry pizzas. I say it because the divisions are shuffled,
Darryl Strawberry keeps popping up in different places, there's a Ken Griffey,
a Ken Griffey Jr., a Barry Bonds, a Bobby Bonds, Texas is in first place with
a losing record, and the ball is loaded with Kryptonite.
Also, we can't decide if Frank Thomas is human, or the Incredible Hulk.
In short, baseball is a mess -- and I haven't even begun to talk about the
Yankees. In the interest of clarity, Mr. Commissioner, let me break things
down by category, followed by a brief summation:
* STRIKE ZONE: Ha!
* AL WEST: Ha!
* TORONTO BLUE JAYS: Ha!
* JUICED BALL: A problem. Batters are clobbering the ol' horsehide at a
titanic pace. There are already six players with 25 or more home runs --
versus zero at this point last year. Batters credit this to lifting lots and
lots of weights and have demanded a Weight Lifting Clause in their contracts.
Unfortunately, they cannot lift their contracts.
Pitchers are convinced this hitting thing is the result of new baseballs,
which, thanks to Secret Purchase Order No. 185229, are stitched tighter than
Roseanne's bustier. No one can prove this, of course, because the balls are
not made in this country. But many major league pitchers believe that
somewhere in Costa Rica, factory workers are driving Cadillacs and spending
money like sailors.
* STRIKE ZONE II: The Juiced Ball theory has led to major confusion over the
strike zone. I would be more specific about this, sir, except, as William Hurt
says in "Broadcast News," they keep moving the little bugger. The strike zone
used to be anywhere between the knees and the chest. It is now anywhere
between the top and bottom of the belt buckle.
There are 400 more walks this season than at this time last year. This can
flare some tempers. Take Sunday's game at Tiger Stadium. Texas starter Kevin
Brown thought he'd struck out Cecil Fielder on a 2-2 pitch. The ump said no,
ball three. The 3-2 pitch came down the middle again, and Fielder smoked it
over the 400-foot sign for a three-run homer. As Cecil rounded the bases,
Brown approached the umpire to gently clarify the strike zone situation. I
believe the words he used were, "YOU BLEEPING SON OF BLEEP! YOU MOTHER BLEEP!
THAT BLEEPING PITCH WAS A BLEEPING STRIKE, YOU BLEEP!"
This reflects the new religious attitude of many baseball pitchers, who
often quote the Bible, saying, "It is easier to put a camel through the eye of
a needle than to get a damn curveball in for a strike."
* TIGER ROAD UNIFORMS: OK. Who spiked the punch?
* NEW YORK YANKEES: Believe it or not, sir, the Yankees have been in first
place most of the year, yet there is no noise from the Big Apple. This is
confusing, because New Yorkers have been known to make noise even after
they're dead.
These Yankees, however, are the dullest collection of pinstripes since
Price Waterhouse had its last board meeting. No Reggie. No Billy. No Winfield.
Besides, Yankees manager Buck Showalter, who, in the interest of keeping
his job longer than the average Yankees manager, which is to say, long enough
to actually put on the uniform, has installed a "No Controversy" policy. This
consists of tying up each player before and after the game and gagging him
with a rag.
In the Yankees' clubhouse, Matt Nokes is considered gabby.
* OFF-FIELD BEHAVIOR: More confusion, sir. Dwight Gooden has the nickname of
a doctor but the spirit of a pharmacist. He's gone again: substance-abuse
violation. Will he be back? Of course, sir. Strawberry, his old teammate, is
back after another rehab stint, thanks to baseball's drug policy.
Pardon me? What is baseball's drug policy?
A good question, sir. I believe it's another word for "boomerang."
* GOOD NEWS: Yes, sir, there is some. Griffey. Thomas. Matt Williams. Greg
Maddux. Also, Marge Schott hasn't said anything stupid in a month. I think
Showalter has her gagged.
* SORT OF GOOD NEWS: The Colorado Silver Bullets drew 33,179 to a game last
week. Unfortunately, sir, they're not one of your teams.
* FINAL THOUGHTS: In summation, I think a few things need clearing up. Is the
AL West a division, or a batting cage? Is that really Michael Jordan, or a
celebrity look-alike? And how does Jack Morris keep landing on first-place
teams?
By the way, sir. I know Maradona, I know Leonardo, I know Baggio. But Mr.
Commissioner, I have to say -- and I mean this with all sincerity -- what's
your name again?
BASEBALL; REVIEW; COMMENTARY; COMMISSIONER