9001290292
DETROIT FREE PRESS
900729
Sunday, July 29, 1990
METRO FINAL
1H
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1990, Detroit Free Press
NEW LYRICS SOLUTION TO BARR'S FOUL BAWL
I once knew a kid who sang so badly, my dog bit him. Poor animal couldn't take
it. Of course, a dog has very sensitive ears. So do humans, at least when it
comes to the national anthem.
Which brings us to Roseanne Barr.
By now, everyone has heard Barr's scratch-and-spit rendition of "The Star
Spangled Banner," which she sang before a baseball game in San Diego. I won't
say it was bad. I will say it sounded like a cat being fed through a
shredding machine. And that fans begged her to stop. They booed. They jeered.
The fact that Barr seemed to enjoy all this, then finished it off by yanking
her crotch and spitting, left them furious, not to mention wet.
The result, of course, was that her rendition was played by every radio
station in the country the following morning, causing at least 318 highway
accidents.
Someone -- no doubt her manager, who smelled money slipping away --
quickly called a press conference, in which Barr whined an apology. "I don't
sing too good," she said. "What else do I have to say?"
Critics accused her of yet another publicity stunt. Even Barr's fans
questioned her judgment. This, of course, is a woman who swears like a
longshoreman, fires everybody she works with, moons photographers, and has a
tattoo. She also married a man who used to accept money from The National
Enquirer in exchange for gossip about her. "He was all messed up on drugs and
stuff when he did that," she explained.
And then she married him.
Why would anyone question her judgment?
When they asked her about the scratch and spit, Barr said men do it all
the time in baseball, so why couldn't she? Personally, I have no doubt
Roseanne can do most things men can do, and that includes using a urinal. But
this anthem stuff is obviously a problem.
I have a solution: New lyrics.
Personalize the anthems
Yes. New lyrics. If no-talent actors and actresses insist on singing the
national anthem at sporting events in hopes that people will notice them
before their 15 minutes of fame are up, well, why not provide special
renditions, just for them?
For example, Roseanne could do a more accurate version of "The Star
Spangled Banner." Something like:
Oh say can you see
Any talent in me
While so proudly I wail
Like a mouse being stepped on
These broad stripes, aren't they great?
They're a size 38
I got 'em on sale
At a store next to K mart
And I love when men staaaaare
At my wide derrieeeeeere
Cause they know that I'm rich
Watch me spit, pttttttuuueee!
Oh say does my annoying
TV show still waaaaave,
O'er the land of the free
Hey, get me a *#$&! hot dog.
Now, would anyone object to that? Barr could sing in whatever key she
wanted. She'd just be showing off in a loud and disgusting way, which is
what she gets paid to do anyhow.
Wait. What about basketball games, where they sometimes sing "God Bless
America"?
No problem for Roseanne . . .
God bless America
Land of ice cream
Get a gallon,
I'll dive in
Oh, I love to be fat and obscene
Through the chocolate,
And the pecans
I go gobbling
Watch me burp
God bless America
Hey, fire that jerk.
And of course, for those rare occasions when they sing "America the
Beautiful." . . .
I'm beautiful
for tabloid news
There's nothing I won't do
I flash my butt,
I let them shoot
Then I turn around and sue
America, America
What a system, ain't it great
I'm rich as hell,
So let 'em yell
Hey, pass that dinner plate!
See? End of controversy. And after a while, nobody would care that Barr
can't sing, anymore than they care that the Padres can't play baseball.
Personally, I wish I still had my old dog, who would have shut Roseanne
up in his own unique way. Then again, maybe not. There is, after all, a
fundamental difference between the two creatures.
The dog had taste.