9001310603
DETROIT FREE PRESS
900815
Wednesday, August 15, 1990
METRO EDITION
1C
Photo
:
Sam Perkins
MITCH ALBOM
SEE ALSO METRO FINAL EDITION 1C
Copyright (c) 1990, Detroit Free Press
IT'S TIME FOR REFUND FOR PLAYERS' INEPTITUDE
I want my money back. Really. I'm getting tired of these sports stars
complaining this is not enough and that is not enough, they want five years
not three years, caviar not steak, Jaguar not Mercedes -- and then they break
a toenail and spend two months on the disabled list.
Economics has never been my strong suit. But I figure, if you buy something
and it breaks, you get a refund, right? In which case, we ought to be getting
something back from Jack Morris this year. If that's a $2 million pitcher, I'm
Erma Bombeck.
And how about Ralph Sampson? The guy got $2 million last season to play
basketball, and I can't remember the last time he broke a sweat. How about
Mark Langston, who was hired at a pricey $3 million a year to lift the
California Angels; Mark's record is 5-15. That's not lift. It's drag.
Yet they continue to get paid. Nobody docks them. We hear plenty from
these guys when they're unhappy with the money. Most of the time, you can't
shut them up. But when the contract is signed and the check is cashed and the
player goes right down the proverbial toilet, suddenly things are very quiet.
The athlete stops talking to the media -- "Too negative" he sniffs -- and the
agent who rigged the deal won't return phone calls because he is out of town,
most likely Monte Carlo.
Enough already. I have come for a refund. The following is a list of
sports personalities whom I feel owe us for their annoyance, aggravation, and
ineptitude. After all, we're the ones who pay for tickets. No tickee, no
Mercedee.
Pay at the door, fellas.
1. Sam Perkins, Los Angeles Lakers. Stop! Don't cash that check! Perkins
signs a free agent deal worth $18 million, then tells a room full of reporters
"I'm a marginal player." You know what, Sam? You're right. You owe us: $17
million.
2. Sugar Ray Leonard. Amazing. Whenever his ego needs a fix, he props up
one of his old foes, talks about some "unfinished business" and whips up a
purse big enough to buy New Guinea. Last year alone, Ray made $27 million for
fighting an aging Tommy Hearns and a corpse-like Roberto Duran. Who's next?
Archie Moore? Hey, Sugar. You owe us: $23 million. You can keep the rest if
you promise never to be a TV analyst again.
3. Brent Musburger. I have searched the globe. I can't find one person who
likes him. So why did he get fired for seeking an exorbitant, outrageous,
mind-boggling contract from CBS, only to get one from ABC? Two million a
year? For a castoff? Brent, big fella, you owe us: $1.7 million. And stay off
the talk shows.
4. Jim Valvano. Musburger's new teammate. Amazing. ABC breaks a story on
alleged basketball point shaving at North Carolina State State. This
eventually gets Valvano dismissed. And when he falls, who should be there
waiting with an analyst job worth $900,000 for three years? ABC. TV means you
never have to say you're sorry. Coach V owe us: all $900,000. Plus interest.
5. William Bedford. I believe in second chances. Occasionally even third
chances. I do not believe in $1 million a year for a guy who considers pulling
on his shorts a full day's work. Hey, Willie B. Hand over: $999,000. Keep the
rest for bus fare back to the real world.
6. Storm Davis & Mark Davis, Kansas City Royals. Now here's what you call
your basic suicide. Mark gets $13 million for four years, Storm gets $6
million for three years, and between them, they have won five games all
season. Cheer up, KC. That's only a million bucks per victory. Refund due: all
of it.
7. Brian Bosworth. He got $11 million for 10 years from the Seattle
Seahawks and played, I think, eight minutes. Now he wants to become an actor.
What do you mean, become? Refund due: all of it.
8. George Will. Why is it that every time some sniffling intellectual writes
a book that makes baseball seem like Lord Byron pitching to William
Shakespeare, it winds up as everybody's Father's Day gift? Personally, I'd
rather have a necktie. George owes us: $10 per book. Shakespeare never
scratched himself on the mound.
9. Jon Koncak, Atlanta Hawks. It was a joke, Jon. That one year deal worth
$2.5 million? HA!HA!HA! You thought they were serious? Have you watched
yourself play? HA!HA!HA! You owe us: $2.4 million.
10. Greg Norman. It's not the golf money. It's the $8 million in
endorsements from McDonald's, Reebok, and a host of other suckers. Hey, Greg.
You're a lovely guy. How about winning something? Until then, pay up: $6.4
million.
Other debtors: Bryn Smith, St. Louis, $2 million a year (Kate Smith could
pitch better), Tony Mandarich, Green Bay, $1.1 million a year (by the time he
deflates, he'll be 5-foot- 7), Don Shula, Miami coach, $1.1 million a year
(and the Dolphins were still home for Christmas), Mark Jackson, New York
Knicks, $1.8 million a year (gets booed during warm-ups) and of course, the
grandbaby of them all, Doug Flutie. (Not sure where he is, but it's not far
from a bank.)
By the way, we take cash, check or money order. But no credit cards.
You guys are way over your limit.
OVERPAID; ATHLETE; NAMELIST; COLUMN