9002020002
DETROIT FREE PRESS
900826
Sunday, August 26, 1990
METRO FINAL
1F
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1990, Detroit Free Press
LET'S TRY ONLY NEWS THAT'S FIT TO PRINT
After awhile, even journalists get tired of bad news. It seems as if
every time you pick up a paper, the stories are shocking, depressing or
disgusting. And that's just the sports pages.
Wouldn't it be nice if, just once, you could control the news flow? Then
we might see stories such as these:
WASHINGTON -- A federal judge today ruled that oil company presidents do
have every right to charge higher prices for gas. However, the judge also
ruled that for the rest of their lives, those presidents must pay $700 a
gallon for drinking water, $900 for a loaf of bread, and $2,000 for clean
sheets. . . .
HOLLYWOOD -- After a six-month absence, singer/actress Cher appeared at a
press conference at least 60 pounds overweight. "I don't know what happened,"
she said, munching from a Dunkin' Donuts bag. "One day someone put this stuff
called 'food' in front of me and, geez, it's good. . . . "
PARIS -- For the first summer ever, not a single tourist visited this
famous city, leaving the citizens to deal only with each other, after which
one exclaimed, "Sacre bleu! We truly are rude and obnoxious!"
LOS ANGELES -- Dr. Ruth Westheimer admitted today that she has been making
it all up, and she hasn't had a date in years.
CHAPEL HILL, N.C. -- The results were eye opening this weekend when a
group of 100 TV evangelists were forced to actually read the Bible. "Did you
see this?" one asked. " 'Thou shalt not steal'? Whoa. When did that get in
here?" . . .
WASHINGTON -- President Bush officially abolished algebra, calculus and
trigonometry from all high school curricula, saying, "I've been running the
country for two years and I've never seen a logarithm."
Instead, high school teens will now study How To Speak Without Whining.
ATLANTIC CITY -- Financiers who agreed to bail out Donald Trump from his
enormous debt last week have apparently changed their minds.
"We held a long meeting," said the group's spokesperson, "and we came to
this conclusion: The guy's a dweeb. Let him sink."
NEW YORK -- Major League Baseball announced that from now on, all players
must spend two years working in the real world, just to see what it's like.
HOUSTON -- NASA scientists today announced they are recalling the famous
Hubble telescope from space because, "We don't know what the hell we're
looking at anyhow. . . . "
WASHINGTON -- A federal insurance investigator has determined that every
American with insurance is owed at least $10,000 in refunds. "I can't believe
this business," said the investigator. "You give them all this money for
years, and then, when you have an accident, they raise your rates. Boy, wait
till I tell the president. . . . "
NEW YORK -- The American Society of Book Publishers voted unanimously
never to publish another book by Shirley MacLaine, because, as one member put
it: "She's a ditz."
WASHINGTON -- The Defense Department admitted today that $875 is indeed
too much to pay for a screwdriver.
NEW YORK -- After the stock market jumped 400 points then fell 200
points, weary Wall Street analysts finally admitted, "We have no idea what
makes it work. The thing has a mind of its own. We quit."
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. -- Doing what many felt was long overdue, country clubs
across America today opened their doors to all minorities. The minorities,
however, said, "Nah, golf is boring.'
WASHINGTON -- Despite the alarming rise in gun-related murders, the NRA
continues to insist that every American should have the right to a gun. So
today, the companies that make bullets voluntarily went out of business.
DETROIT -- Famous rock singer Madonna returned home this weekend and
abruptly announced her retirement, after her father said "Shame on you" and
sent her to her room.
CHICAGO -- Scientists were greeted with cheers and hugs when they
announced that, after a decade of research, they had determined, beyond a
shadow of a doubt, that extra-cheese pizza is the healthiest and least
fattening food on Earth. . . .
NEW YORK -- ABC, NBC and CBS announced that from now on, news anchors will
be chosen by their knowledge of current affairs, not their hairstyles.
SOUTH PACIFIC -- The ship carrying George Steinbrenner, Don King, Bob
Arum and Brent Musburger mysteriously disappeared off the coast today. No
traces were found.