9102060637
DETROIT FREE PRESS
910930
Monday, September 30, 1991
METRO FINAL
1D
Chart;Photo Color JULIAN H. GONZALEZ
:
Linebacker Chris Spielman led the Lions with 12 tackles.
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1991, Detroit Free Press
DETROIT AMONG NFL'S ELITE -- FOR NOW
TO: Detroit Lions
FROM: The NFL
Dear Sirs,
We are writing with happy news. You are doing very well. So well, in fact,
that we are promoting you. To first place in the NFC Central. You must be
very proud.
Of course, with the new status comes new responsibilities. No more Tampa
Bay, Green Bay or Indianapolis. We know you had a good time playing those
teams, but we feel, after careful observation, that you have matured much
faster than them. Now when you play together, the other boys get hurt.
Take Sunday, for example, when you stomped all over Tampa Bay, 31-3. Oh yes.
We were watching. We watch everything. In fact, we should tell you that
Sunday was a big reason for your promotion. Our research staff predicted: "The
Lions will lose to the lowly Buccaneers -- even after winning three in a row
-- because it is their tradition." They said you always have had much in
common with Tampa Bay: Fumbles. Interceptions. Play-calling from the 14th
century.
But now, it seems, you have gotten quite serious and mature, while the
Bucs are still, well, growing up. Take the first quarter. Your defense stuffed
the Bucs on their first three plays, then forced them to punt from their end
zone. Then your offense took over and made like a Ferrari for a touchdown.
Then your defense intercepted a pass. Then your offense took over and with one
play -- a 26-yard pass from Rodney Peete to Willie Green -- scored another
touchdown. Goodness! It was 14-0 before the marshmallows on the hot chocolate
melted.
Very impressive. So we all took a vote. And you were promoted.
Enclosed, please find a cigar.
Don't party too hearty
Not that you should smoke it. You know our rules against celebrations.
Besides, as part of your promotion, we are scheduling some very good opponents
for you now, teams that have actually won a game this year, starting Sunday
with Minnesota. Sorry. We know you would like us to keep sending Green Bay,
Tampa Bay, Miami and Indianapolis -- who have a combined record of three
victories and 17 losses -- but, unfortunately, that is one of the changes with
the new position.
Like we said, winning brings responsibility.
We in the home office feel you can handle it. We base this not only on
your performance Sunday -- which we call "beating a team you should beat" or
"squashing a grape" -- but also on your reaction in the locker room. Oh yes.
We were watching. We watch everything. And this is what impressed us: You
were not singing. You were not dancing. You were not standing on your heads.
In fact, you sounded very mature, as if you had been winning for a long
time. Very good. Our star pupils, the San Francisco 49ers and the New York
Giants, also behave this way.
A special commendation to the following players:
Mr. Chris Spielman, who said: "We won the football game and that's great.
But I'm not going to go home and have a parade."
Mr. Rodney Peete, who said: "We used to come to games saying, 'We hope we
can win.' Now we expect to win. That's why we're not getting overly excited."
And Mr. Jerry Ball, who said: "Being in first place at this point in the
season don't mean s---."
Of course, we would have preferred Mr. Ball use a different noun. Maybe
he could work on that. But we are glad to see you Lions know how to handle the
attention that comes with winning. Who knows? There could be lots more of it.
Enclosed please find playoff tickets.
Now comes the hard part
Not that you should use them. You know our feelings about celebrations. We
are only sending these tickets so you can hold them, touch them, caress them,
dream about them. They are a little gift from us, because we know you haven't
seen one inch of the playoffs since Barry Manilow had a hit record. Also, the
last time you were4-1, New Kids on the Block were actually New Kids in Second
Grade.
Which is why this promotion should be so exciting to you. Think of the
status that comes with first place. Think of the fun in being known as -- and
this is your new title -- "One Of The Hot Young Teams In The NFL." Fabulous,
no? We'll put it on the nameplate across your desk.
Here are some of the changes we anticipate in your new position:
* When you arrive for a road game, there actually will be people in the hotel
lobby asking for you. Besides your relatives.
* When your games are televised, the ratings will not go up for the competing
Elvis Presley movie on UHF.
* At least one Hollywood celebrity will start wearing your team hat and
telling people he has "been a Lions fan for years."
In addition, we see great things for your defense, and for this young
fellow, Barry Sanders, whom our research staff informs us is "supernatural."
High praise, indeed. And he had 160 yards rushing Sunday? Tell Mr. Sanders if
he keeps this up, he may get his own office.
All right. Now for the brass tacks. Sunday, you will play the Vikings.
Then you face the 49ers. Then the Dallas Cowboys (also one of our Hot Young
Teams). And then the Chicago Bears. We realize this may seem like a heavy
burden after Indianapolis and Tampa Bay. But as we say in the home office, if
you want to bowl with the big boys, you better buy your own shoes.
We're not sure what that means, but it seems appropriate.
Anyhow, congratulations on the promotion. We are confident you can handle
it. One word of warning, however: We are watching. We watch everything. Do
not smoke that cigar. Do not get a swelled head. Now and then, much to our
distress, teams do that, and we have no choice but to demote them back to a
losing season.
And if we can do it to Lawrence Taylor, we can do it to you.
Best of luck, fellas,
The League
MAGIC NUMBER
For the first time since 1980 the Lions have posted their fourth victory
before September ended. Tracking victory No. 4:
YEAR 4TH WIN FINAL
1991 Sept. 29
1990 Nov. 22 6-10-0
1989 Nov. 23 7-9-0
1988 Dec. 4 4-12-0
1987 Dec. 27 4-11-0
1986 Nov. 16 5-11-0
1985 Oct. 20 7-9-0
1984 Nov. 22 4-11-1
1983 Oct. 30 9-7-0
1982 Jan. 2 4-5-0
1981 Oct. 25 8-8-0
1980 Sept. 28 9-7-0
DLIONS; FOOTBALL; STATISTIC;Lions