9302060843
DETROIT FREE PRESS
931010
Sunday, October 10, 1993
METRO FINAL
1F
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1993, Detroit Free Press
COLUMBUS CAME AT THE RIGHT TIME
NEWS ITEM: MONDAY MARKS THE 501st ANNIVERSARY OF CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS '
ARRIVAL IN AMERICA.
WHILE SCIENTISTS STILL DEBATE WHETHER COLUMBUS WAS THE FIRST TO ARRIVE
ON THESE SHORES, THEY ALL AGREE THAT THE LAND HE FOUND 501 YEARS AGO BEARS
LITTLE RESEMBLANCE TO WHAT HE'D SEE WERE HE TO WASH BACK ASHORE TODAY . . .
Columbus sailed the ocean blue
in fourteen hundred ninety-two
but what if he had crossed the sea
in nineteen hundred ninety-three? . . .
"Land!" he yells, "I've spotted land!"
The crewmen shout like a merry band
They drop their anchor in the ground
A customs agent flags them down.
"Hello, kind sir!" says Christopher C
"We come from Spain with gifts for thee!"
"I'll bet," the agent says, while boarding
"What kind of drugs are you boys hoarding?"
Next, the Coast Guard comes a-splashing
"Papers?" they say, badges flashing.
"I claim this land!" says our boy Chris.
"Cuff him" they say, grabbing his wrist.
So they seize Columbus' ship
Immigration checks his trip
"The Brave New World I long to see."
"Oh," says the agent, "a refugee."
Soon Columbus and his men
are tossed into a holding pen
with Cubans, Haitians, how they shouted
Says CC: "This new world's crowded!"
A star is born
As he wonders what he'll say
to his queen so far away,
a TV crew doing expose
points the camera's light his way
"Why are you here?" reporter asks.
Columbus tells her of his task.
A producer watching from his LA home
tells his staff, Get this guy on the phone!
Soon the story of a strange old man,
who came here looking for uncharted land,
is front-page news, the nation is piqued,
his tale is sold for a Movie of the Week.
Next thing you know, Chris is a star
Oprah and Phil and JP on JR,
"Excuse me," he says, "but I must see your king"
No problem, he's told, give Clinton a ring.
Off to the White House, Columbus is taken
His picture is snapped, his hand is shaken
Book rights are sold for $2.5 mill
A dazed Columbus is king of the hill.
"Attention!" he cries, hearing his name
"I claim this land for Queen and Spain!"
But no one listens, for all the clinking
of toasts to his honor -- CC starts drinking.
Two days later, a story is filed
A woman claiming to have his child
A screenwriter claims he stole his story
A lawyer sues for half his glory.
Feminists say his boats are insulting
Nina and Pinta indeed! That's revolting!
"He's a Commie!" Rush Limbaugh screams
"He smoked pot!" claims a college dean
Columbus, who, through all this rumpass,
is merely trying to read his compass,
suddenly finds himself surrounded
by lawyers, reporters and folks astounded.
The return trip
They sue for his house, his money, his fame,
They strip him of everything but his name.
They chase him back to the edge of the sea
Christopher Columbus is history.
Columbus sails the mighty sea,
in nineteen hundred ninety-three
He gets back home in ninety-four
and kisses the ground when he reaches shore
He goes to see his waiting queen,
to tell her of the things he's seen
The door is opened, he bows and kneels
"Tell me, tell me!" his majesty squeals
He takes a breath, then tries to recall,
the mass confusion of it all,
the lawyers, the agents, the TV, the fuss,
"Well?" the queen says. "Share with us.
"Is there a world as yet uncovered
A place of wonder that you have discovered?
What's out there Columbus? Pray do not stall."
"Nothing," he answers. "Nothing at all."