9202070716 DETROIT FREE PRESS 921011 Sunday, October 11, 1992 METRO FINAL

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1G MITCH ALBOM Copyright (c) 1992, Detroit Free Press GETTING DOWN, DIRTY WITH THE DEBATE TRIO News Item: The first of several presidential debates will be tonight in St. Louis. George Bush, Bill Clinton and Ross Perot are promising to concentrate on the issues. . . . MODERATOR: Welcome to the presidential debates. Gentlemen, please introduce yourselves. CLINTON: Hello, George. BUSH: Hello, Comrade. PEROT: Be nice, boys, or I'll fire ya. MODERATOR: Ahem. Now then. Let's begin with a question on the economy. Gentlemen, what is wrong with the U.S. economy and what will you do about it if elected president? BUSH: Thank you for asking that insightful question. And let me say this: The U.S. is a strong nation and we will be strong again. I believe it. I know it in my heart. Thank you. MODERATOR: Is that your answer? BUSH: Also, vote for me, I served in a war. Unlike some of us here. CLINTON: There you go again. BUSH: Stop stealing my old boss's lines. MODERATOR: Mr. Clinton? CLINTON: The economy is a mess. This country is going broke. Nobody is working. MODERATOR: And your solutions? CLINTON: I brought a comprehensive plan. As you can see, it's very thick and has a lot of small print, so you know it's good. If we implement it, we can get America back to where IT SHOULD BE! THANK YOU! MODERATOR: What does the plan say? CLINTON: I, uh, haven't read it yet. PEROT: Can I git a word in here? MODERATOR: Mr. Perot? PEROT: Both of these boys are a joke, see? You can't make money unless you save money, and you can't save money unless you spend money, and believe me, I know how to make it and I know how to spend it. I did it, I can do it again. Thank ya. MODERATOR: That's your answer? PEROT: Now there you go with that negative media crap again. You people are the lowest kind of slime and if I could fire ya I would -- right after I gave ya a drug test which I figure you'd flunk. Next question. MODERATOR: All right. Gentlemen, where do you stand on foreign policy? BUSH: Maybe we should start with Mr. Clinton, since he spent some time on foreign soil . . . IN RUSSIA! NYET, COMRADE? CLINTON: I was a student! I was trying to meet girls, for pete's sake! PEROT: There ya have it. You boys can't keep your missiles in your trousers. BUSH: Shut up, Ross! . . . Uh, to answer the question. My foreign policy is a matter of record. The Berlin Wall came down, Russia died, and I did it all. Me. George Bush. CLINTON: What a crock! MODERATOR: Your policy, Mr. Perot? PEROT: Simple. If they owe us money, we squeeze 'em till we git it. If they don't owe us money, screw 'em. Unless they got all. MODERATOR: All? PEROT: All. Comes outta the ground. MODERATOR: Oil! PEROT: You obviously ain't from Texas. MODERATOR: Uh, moving right along. A lot has been made about the past in this campaign. Do you really feel things you did years ago affect how you will run the country? BUSH: Not at all, unless . . . you dodged the draft and went to Russia! CLINTON: Not at all, unless . . . you sold arms to Iran and gave money to Contra rebels! PEROT: Not at all. Period. The only thing more boring than the past is jogging. BUSH, CLINTON: WHAT'S WRONG WITH JOGGING? PEROT: Pansy sport. MODERATOR: Gentlemen, please! BUSH: Look, Perot. Why are you even here? You don't stand a chance. CLINTON: Leave him alone. BUSH: Ooh, thank you, Mr. Hair Dye. PEROT: At least he has hair. CLINTON: Why don't you go home to your wife, George -- or is she your grandmother? PEROT: Good one! BUSH: Does the name Gennifer Flowers mean anything to you? MODERATOR: Gentlemen, please! We have time for one closing statement. BUSH: People of America, no one feels your pain and suffering more than I do -- CLINTON: From Kennebunkport? BUSH: -- so vote for me, because you can trust me. I don't cheat on my wife, or run from the draft like a Commie-loving chicken. CLINTON: People of America, no one feels your pain and suffering more than I do -- BUSH: From the public dole you've been on your whole life? CLINTON: -- so vote for me, because we can't take four more years of this blowhard. PEROT: People of America . . . I quit. BUSH: Yay! CLINTON: Yay! PEROT: Naw, jus' kiddin'. I'm back. MODERATOR: Well, that ends our debate. Don't forget to vote for the candidate of your choice. If you can find one. Good night.