9402080808 DETROIT FREE PRESS 941101 Tuesday, November 01, 1994 METRO FINAL

SPT

1D MITCH ALBOM Copyright (c) 1994, Detroit Free Press THE HUDDLE So there we are, at the Main Art Theatre in Royal Oak, and these two guys who work there -- one calls himself "The Big Kahuna" and another calls himself, get this, "Paul" -- try to slip us free movie passes. They whisper, "Psst. Take these. Can we get in the Huddle?" A bribe! I am flabbergasted! I am horrified! I am insulted! They didn't even offer popcorn. HUDDLE UP! WHO'S IN THIS WEEK: Tom Osborne, Jim Kelly, Barry Sanders (lifetime membership), Mike Johnson, Cass Tech, whatever official wasn't looking when Herman Moore's knee touched the ground, Joe Paterno and, of course, Gale Gilbert. Any quarterback who wears a lightning bolt on his head and calls himself Gale and is still alive after an NFL Sunday is definitely allowed in this group. WHO'S OUT: Gary Moeller, Lloyd Carr, all the Michigan players, Joel Ferguson (when they're done with George Perles, can they ax him next?), the Arizona Wildcats, Barry Switzer (did you hear him yelling after the Cincy game?), and any football pollster who put Penn State over Nebraska a few weeks ago, then put Nebraska over Penn State this week. This isn't checkers, you mooseheads. Make up your minds! Also, did I mention the movie theater guys? OK, Huddle, flog us. Whack us. Spank us. Well, well, it's the Michigan defense. Sorry, boys, we don't flog. This isn't a fraternity haze. We feel bad about the loss. We were just flat. You've said that three times this season. Maybe if you let us in the Huddle, we'd get our confidence back and we'd never lose again. Please? Please? Hmmm . . . you got any movie passes? No. Get lost. HOWDEEE, HUDDLE! Why, heh-heh, whooeee, when I was coaching Oklahoma, GOD-DANG! Here we go, now, Troy had a headache, IOWA STATE! YEEHAW! Why, Coach Switzer. Forget your Prozac? HEEE-HAW! Lemme tell you somethin', when the Dallas Cowboys are, HAW HAW, we got no IOWA STATERS 'ROUND HERE, Emmitt! Where the hell is. . . . Hey. Lemme tell ya. Those Bengals. NOBODY PARTIES TONIGHT! Mama? Mama? There, there, Switz. You just lie down and try to remember what your job is, OK? . . . Didja hear, Huddle? Perles is being probed. We aren't going to talk about his doctors' appointments, are we? No, his program. An internal investigation. Word is boosters were paying money to the MSU football players. What do you think? I think the boosters got cheated. Yo. Outta my way, I'm coming in The Huddle. Hey, it's Thurman Thomas of the Bills. That was quite a speech you made Sunday, after gaining only 77 yards while your team scored 44 points. Hey. I tell it like it is. That's why I said to those reporters, "Half of you in here never played football. So don't even ask no stupid questions." By stupid questions, I guess you mean, "What is a double negative, and can you use it in a sentence?" Huh? Beat it, Buffalo Breath. Hey, Huddle. How about Sanders, third-and-9? Stop. I'm swooning. Congrats, Hud. You said Nebraska would win. It was nothing. So who's No. 1, Nebraska or Penn State? Auburn. Hey, Huddle. Did you hear Beano Cook predict Syracuse would beat Miami (Fla.) next week? It's hard to take a man seriously when he's named after an anti-gas tablet. LET'S GO THE MAILBAG. . . . Dear Esteemed Members of the Huddle: As a displaced Michigan sports fanatic stationed aboard the USS Kitty Hawk in the China Sea, 7,000 miles from Joe Louis Arena, I believe I qualify to get into the Huddle. -- JO2 Bill Houlihan. PS: On this ship, it's a 24-hour-a-day job defending our sports teams. Not to mention our country. OK. You're in. Dear Huddle, How about letting the Cleveland Browns in the Huddle? -- A Die-Hard Cleveland Fan, Kevin Lipocky. As soon as they get that Denver problem fixed. All, right, Huddle. It's the midway point of the season. I can't wait any longer for your weekly NFL poll. I must have it. Now! Right now! NOW! OK, Wes Craven, lighten up. TOP BOTTOM 1. San Diego 17. Lions 2. Dallas 28. Penn State 3. Miami 29. Nebraska 4. San Francisco 30. Cincinnati Hey, Huddle. Did you see where Joe Montana -- after getting harassed all day by the Buffalo defense -- said to Bruce Smith, "I'm too old for this ----"? How do you pronounce "----"? OK, Huddle. Because the Lions and Spartans both won, I figure we've heard the last of the "Fire Wayne/Fire George" campaigns, right? Here, take these movie passes. They're for "Cinderella." It's right up your alley. Got a reason you should be in the Huddle? Write the Huddle, Detroit Free Press Sports, 321 W. Lafayette, Detroit 48226, or fax 1-313-222-5983. DLIONS; COLUMN; GAME; ANALYSIS; SPORTS; FOOTBALL;Lions