9002150096
DETROIT FREE PRESS
901129
Thursday, November 29, 1990
METRO FINAL
1C
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1990, Detroit Free Press
IF TALK IS CHEAP, THEY OWE US AN EXPLANATION
Well, personally, I want to say thanks to Zeke Mowatt. He did our
business a real favor. After reportedly approaching a female reporter,
sticking his naked body a few inches from her face and making several lewd
remarks about what he thought she wanted -- while some of his teammates egged
him on -- he then denied the whole thing. He made up a story. He told it to
the NFL.
And after weeks of study, the NFL investigation came to the following
conclusion: Mowatt's denial "is not credible."
Which basically means: Mowatt lied.
Now, some people are surprised at this. I don't know why. What did you
expect, the truth? After all, most athletes are like politicians and actors;
they figure the press is only there to make them look good.
As a result, most veteran sports writers have learned to distinguish what
is said from what is meant. It's easy. You pretty much figure one has nothing
to do with the other.
Of course, perfecting this can take years of hanging around steamy locker
rooms. And who wants to ruin all those clothes? So, as a public service to our
readers, I am offering the following handy guide to the most common sports
talk -- from players, coaches, TV analysts -- with the statement on top, and
the translation on the bottom.
This way, next time you read something from Mowatt, you'll be able to
laugh, like the rest of us.
Ready? Here we go . . .
* "First of all, I want to give credit to the other team."
(WE KICKED THE HELL OUT OF THEM. HAHAHAHAHA!)
* "Winning the MVP award is nice, but I'd rather we won the championship."
(I'm gonna hang this sucker right over my fireplace.)
* "I'm Victor Kiam, and I liked the razor so much, I bought the company."
(I'm an idiot. Don't believe a word I say.)
* "What quarterback controversy? If I don't play this weekend, then I'll root
for whoever does."
(Yeah. I'll root for him to meet Lawrence Taylor, knee- high.)
* "Gee, I'd like to stay with the team, but I have to think about my family."
(If I don't get $15 million for three years, I'm outta here.)
* "I don't care what their record is, I guarantee they'll be fired up when
they play us."
(That's all we need, to lose to these clowns.)
* "That's the dumbest rumor I ever heard."
(I'm gonna kill the guy who leaked it.)
* "He's a journeyman boxer with a solid reputation."
(He was the only guy available on half-hour's notice.)
* "Gee, I don't know. You'd have to ask the coach about that."
(While you're at it, ask the fool when he's gonna retire.)
* "We were extremely pleased with the production on our broadcast."
(PBS got higher ratings.)
* "You know, Brent, some think he might be among the two or three most
underrated players on his team."
(Quick, who is this guy?)
* "Just because we're up 3-0 in the series, we can't count those guys out
yet."
(Boy, do they stink. What time's the parade?)
* "THIS WILL BE THE GREATEST FIGHT OF ALL TIME!"
(It will cost $40, pay-per-view.)
* "Son, I promise you'll be the starting fullback if you come to our
university."
(And the other two kids I promised don't.)
* "What I like about this kid, more than the way he plays, is that he's such a
great person."
(He hasn't been arrested once this semester.)
* "Sure, I'd be happy to sign your T-shirt."
(You bozo.)
* "There's nothing wrong with the run 'n' shoot."
(That Jerry Rice couldn't fix.)
* "I know my holdout might have hurt the team, but it really wasn't about
money."
(It was about how much money.)
* "He's a salt-of-the-earth guy."
(He can't read.)
* "I didn't do nothin'."
(I did everything.)
* "That's just something a reporter made up, trying to get a story."
(This excuse will work. It always does.)
* "Statistics are meaningless."
(How many points did I have?)
* "No comment."
(Drop dead.)
Mitch Albom will sign copies of his new book, "Live Albom II," Friday at 6
p.m. at Little Professor in Madison Heights, and 7:45 p.m. at Borders Books
in Novi.