9102150472 DETROIT FREE PRESS 911206 Friday, December 06, 1991 METRO FINAL

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1C Photo MITCH ALBOM Copyright (c) 1991, Detroit Free Press SALARIES DON'T ADD UP, NO MATTER WHOSE MATH THE LIVE ALBOM: * I've been doing a little math, and here's what I figure: if you give Bobby Bonilla $29 million, you have to give Cecil Fielder the whole country. * After all, Bonilla's new deal, based on last year's stats, averages more than $320,000 per home run annually. Apply that to Fielder, you're already at $14 million a year. And you haven't even started paying for RBIs. * You can see where this is heading: Eventually, teams with limited funds will pay a couple of superstars outrageous salaries and will cut the other veterans in favor of younger, cheaper players. * Pretty soon, the Tigers will be Fielder, Mickey Tettleton and 23 high school kids. * Now that college basketball season has begun, Jerry Tarkanian is officially in his final year at UNLV. Not to worry. He's got a new gig lined up in a TV show. Just say, "Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice . . ." BeetleJerry Beetle . . . Jerry? * There's nothing wrong with the Pistons that a shooting center and a scoring guard wouldn't fix. * Wait. Isn't that what they gave away this summer? * Steve Yzerman doesn't need me to say this, but I'll say it anyhow. He got a bum deal this year. Cut from the Canada Cup, the subject of endless trade rumours, all this "Eric Lindros is better than Stevie" talk. What did he do to deserve this? Just play his heart out, night after night, as one of the top three stars in the NHL? * If that's how we treat our best players, all the other guys better watch out. * Speaking of the Red Wings, how is Troy Crowder passing time during rehab? Well, he recently signed to replay his role as Cameron the School Chum in the movie sequel, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Part II." He shoots, he . . . co-stars? * If Michael Jackson is such a great singer, how come all anyone talks about is the video? * Julius Erving against Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on pay-per-view? Great. I can see where this is headed. Within five years, we'll have Chuck Nevitt vs. Swen Nater, The Showdown You Never Saw. * I say we lock George Perles and John DiBiaggio in a small room and come back in a few years. * So OK, let me get this baseball thing straight: Mike Morgan, a pitcher with one winning season in nine years, gets a new, four-year contract worth $12.5 million. I have this straight, right? * You can see why they charge for autographs. * Was that Bonnie Blair or Bonnie Raitt in town the other day? I always get them mixed up. Bonnie skates! Bonnie sings! * Boy, there'll be some real drama at that Heisman announcement this year, huh? * Desmond Howard and four thanks-for-comings. * Speaking of Michigan, the Rose Bowl this year -- Wolverines vs. Washington -- is easily the best matchup on New Year's Day. Already, Huskies coach Don James is claiming the national championship if Washington wins. Of course, this is the same man who made all those bad jokes under his stage name, Bob Hope. Don as Bob Don as Don