9402130551 DETROIT FREE PRESS 941206 Tuesday, December 06, 1994 METRO FINAL

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1D Illustration DICK MAYER Free Press MITCH ALBOM THE HUDDLE Copyright (c) 1994, Detroit Free Press Yes, it's the holiday season, which means it's time to strangle somebody. I am talking specifically about the football geniuses who try to explain the NFL playoffs by saying, "If the season ended today. . . ." Ahem. May I have a word with you? THE SEASON ISN'T ENDING TODAY, OK? IF IT WERE, THAT WOULD MEAN SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAD HAPPENED, LIKE A BOMB DROPPED, AND THEN IT WOULDN'T MATTER WHO MADE THE PLAYOFFS, WOULD IT? YOU'D BE OUT LOOKING FOR FOOD, TURFHEAD! Anyone who uses the phrase "If the season ended today" is out of the Huddle, and will be deported immediately. Set right, set leffffft . . . HUDDLE UP! WHO'S IN THIS WEEK: Dave Krieg, Willie Clay, Barry Sanders (lifetime membership), Jim Kelly, the Yuccaneers (two in a row; they're smooooking) the Florida Gators, Bill Parcells, Desmond Howard, Joey's Comedy Club and the Britons from Albion College. Now stop sending me faxes, Albion! WHO'S OUT: Robert Porcher, Terrell Buckley, Vinny Testaverde, Fran Ganter, the bowl coalition (these people must be stopped), Randall (Fading) Cunningham, Andre (Fading) Rison, Merrily Dean Baker (just exactly what is her job, anyhow?) and all those Christmas salespeople at these giant appliance stores whose answer to everything is: "I don't know, let me find my manager." OK, Huddle. Lemme have it. Robert Porcher! You animal! I always thought you were the quiet type. But your taunting penalty on Brett Favre almost cost the game Sunday. What happened? Did you think you were in the Fab Five? I lost my head. Can I still get in? Hmm. GUARDS! BRING THE PRISONER! Help! . . . what'd I do? . . . lemme 'lone . . . Is your name Terrell Buckley, of the Packers? Yeah. So? You stand charged of the crime of touching a member of the Huddle. Not just any member, but the Grand Poobah, Barry Sanders. Not only that, you touched his eye. The eye is one of two body parts that carry our highest penalty. How do you plead? I was just trying to stop him. GUILTY! Porcher, poke him in the eye. No wait! I . . . ouch! Ouch! Hey, Huddle, did you hear Sam Wyche down in Tampa call winning "the magic elixir, the seven-day wonder, it heals all wounds"? Is he talking football, or Vicks VapoRub? Hey, Huddle. Can you believe Carmen Policy? He says he wants Joe Montana to retire a 49er, so he'll sign him for a day and then retire his jersey. Does Joe get a lunch break with that contract? Uh, excuse me, I was told to report here. Look. It's Nick Saban, the new man at Michigan State. Can we call you St. Nick? Uh, excuse me, I was told to report here. You said that already. What's on your mind? Excuse me, I was told to report here? Hmm. This is a serious coach. Yo, Huddle. Can the Broncos get into the playoffs without John Elway? Can Roseanne get into a size 4? LET'S GO TO THE MAILBAG . . . Dear Huddle: I have a pickup truck with two Lions helmets on it. Let me in. -- Billy Barrs, Vandalia, Mich. (PS: The helmets are made of wood.) Oh, wood! Well, in that case, come on in. Hey, Huddle: My brother and I want in so you can settle an argument. He says Wayne Fontes looks like Ralph Kramden; I say Fred Flinstone. Who's right? -- Jim Guysky, Lansing You guys losing sleep over this issue? Excuse me, sir, delivery for the Huddle. Pizza? I don't remember ordering pizza. No problem, it's on the Holtz . . . uh, house. Wait a second. Take off that hat. . . . Lou Holtz! You worm! You were trying to slither into the Huddle! I'm sorry! Forgive me! It's just . . . we've . . . losing games . . . pressure . . . (sob, sob) Gee, Lou. I had no idea this meant so much to you. To stoop to such an embarrassing attempt at deception. I'd like to do something for your pain. Oh, goody. I'd like to increase it. Robert? No, no . . . ouch! Ouch! Hey, Huddle, where's the NFL poll? Relax, Rodney. Even Jim Brandstatter could quarterback the Cowboys. TOP BOTTOM 1. Dallas 12. Lions 2. San Francisco 27. Cincinnati 3. Pittsburgh 28. Divine Child girls basketball 4. San Diego 29. Houston Huddle. Who do you like on the Heisman menu? Based on the Salaam and cheese factor, with a Big McNair, ordered a la Carter and washed down by a vodka Collins, I would say: Brian Pruitt. Brian Pruitt wins the Heisman? Did I say that? Hey, Huddle, if the season ended today -- PORCHER! POKE THIS MAN! . . . Got a reason you belong in the Huddle? Write The Huddle, Detroit Free Press Sports, 321 W. Lafayette, Detroit 48226, or fax 313-222-5983. FOOTBALL; DLIONS; BARRY SANDERS; GAME; COLUMN;Lions