9402150368 DETROIT FREE PRESS 941220 Tuesday, December 20, 1994 METRO FINAL

SPT

1C Drawing Color DICK MAYER MITCH ALBOM Copyright (c) 1994, Detroit Free Press THE HUDDLE Happy Holidays! This week we welcome Santa Claus to the Huddle, and Santa, we've got a special job all picked out. You get to blow up anyone who asks about the NFC playoff picture. OK? Got your hand on that dynamite? Ho, ho, ho. Good. Hut one, hut two . . . HUDDLE UP! WHO'S IN THIS WEEK: Shawn Bouwens, Kevin Glover, Herman Moore (if the Pro Bowl doesn't take him, we will), Mel Gray, Dave Krieg, Barry Sanders (lifetime membership), Bill Parcells (for getting rid of the Bills, finally), the Pittsburgh defense, the 49ers offense, Matt Millen (who had the guts to call Marc Spindler a "knucklehead"), Brett "Nutsy But Gutsy" Favre, Billy, Mike and James from the Lions PR staff, the Howling Diablos, and Big Daddy's Parthenon restaurant, with portions the size of Crete. WHO'S OUT: The Eagles, the Broncos, Vinny Testaverde (that's a playoff quarterback?), Dan Marino, Derrick Alexander (didn't you learn anything at Michigan?), Jimmy Johnson, Ahmad Rashad, Howie Long, and the rest of those jealous TV types who think their plans for next year are so important we should all stay home and watch. Do the words "I didn't have the sound on" mean anything to you? Hey, Huddle. If the Lions lose, but the Bears win, and the Packers and Vikings are canceled due to snow -- Santa? BOOM! Any more questions? Outta my way, Huddle . . . huff . . . puff . . . Jim Kelly. Whatcha doin', Bill Man? Working out . . . huff . . . Gotta get healthy for the playoffs . . . puff . . . puff. Uh, Jim? Why don't you rest? No way! January's comin'. Gotta be sharp, got -- YOU'RE OUT, JIM. OK? ELIMINATED? What? Did Thurman forget his helmet again? No. Sorry. You lost. You missed the playoffs. We . . . I . . . lost? . . . boo-hooo-hoo . . . WAAH! Aw, don't cry. Santa, give him something. BOOM! That's not what I meant. Hey, Huddle, did you see that little remote control car interrupt the Seattle-Raiders game? I thought that was Jerry Ball's limo. Hey, Huddle, can Barry get 169 yards Sunday? If he asks nicely. Hey, Huddle, if the Lions lose, the Vikings tie, and the Packers are wiped out by a bratwurst epidemic, then -- BOOM! Excuse me! Urgent message for Santa! Hey, look. An elf. I didn't know elves wore glasses. Urgent message for Santa! Emergency at the North Pole! I'm supposed to take his place so he can get back. Wow, Santa. You better go. Thanks, little fella, you just step in here, what did you say your name was? Holt . . . uh . . . Holtzer, no, Blitzen! Rudolph! Wait a minute! Gimme that stocking hat . . . Lou Holtz! Impersonating an elf? How low can you get? Oh, please, Santa! All I want for Christmas is to get into the Huddle! Please oh please oh please oh please? BOOOOOM! Whoa, Santa. Forget your decaf this morning? LET'S GO TO THE MAILBAG Dear Huddle: As a lifelong Buffalo Bills fan, I have one thing to say: If everyone is so sick of the Bills, why don't they beat them and prevent them from making the playoffs? -- Jonathan Chizick, Farmington Hills. Ask and ye shall receive. Dear Huddle: I'd like to get my nephew, Mark Satawa, in the Huddle. A present from me, his Auntie Lips. What do you say? -- Barbara Vicary. Only if you explain your nickname. Dear Huddle: I am a 110-pound woman and never had the chance to play REAL football. If I could be in the Huddle, it would ease my lifelong frustration. -- Carolyn Kirk, Auburn Hills. Is someone spiking the egg nog again? Yo, Huddle. How about Tampa Bay's four-game win streak? Yeah, I heard Nixon had some good days after Watergate, too. Hey, Huddle. What do you say we go down to Miami on Sunday night, and when Don Shula's not looking, we tip over his golf cart? Shhh. Santa's listening! One is the loneliest number . . . da-da-da . . . got that poll ready, Huddle? OK, Jerry Rice. Here 'tis. TOP BOTTOM 1. San Francisco 26. Philadelphia 2. Dallas 27. Cincinnati 3. Pittsburgh 28. Drivers Ed School 4. Detroit 29. Houston Hud, what's Santa getting Terry Bradshaw? New material. OK, Huddle, if the Lions lose, the Vikings tie, the Bears and Packers vaporize, and the season were to end today -- BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Santa, you beast! Got a reason you should be in the Huddle? Write The Huddle, Detroit Free Press Sports, 321 W. Lafayette, Detroit 48226, or fax 1-313-222-5983.