9002180225
DETROIT FREE PRESS
901224
Monday, December 24, 1990
METRO FINAL
1C
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1990, Detroit Free Press
IT'S BEGINNING TO SOUND A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS
I hear voices. I open my door. Look who's on my porch, singing Christmas
Carols . . .
* George Foreman: "The Christmas Song"
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Whipped cream hanging from my nose
Pumpkin pies and a burger or two
And milk shakes, fries, and Cheerios,
Everybody knows, a turkey and some Pizza Hut
They enable me to punch
When Holyfield drops, I'll eat Tootsie Pops,
And wait for Tyson, hey, where's my lunch?
* Sergei Fedorov: "Winter Wonderland"
Sleigh bells ring, I am scoring
In the room, I am snoring
It feels very free, with no KGB
Skating in this U.S. Wonderland
Brand new life, I am copin'
Get my mail, it's unopened,
What wonderful things, I love Burger Kings
Skating in this U.S. Wonderland
* Tiger fans: "Blue Christmas"
We'll have a blue Christmas, without Ernie
We'll be so blue, just thinking about Ernie
Play by play, rain delay, home runs on the roof
Won't be the same now, if he's not in the booth,
So when those blue snowflakes start falling
You can bet Dominos we won't be calling
Tom and Bo, they sure know, how to ruin radiooo
And we'll have a Blue, blue blue Christmas
* Andre Ware: "White Christmas"
I'm dreaming of a snap for Christmas
Just like the snaps I used to take
To complete a pass would feel oh so good,
I would even take a running play -- whatdya say?
I'm dreaming of a snap for Christmas
It's been so long I can't recall
Do I say hut one or hut twoooo?
Hope I still remember what to do.
* Jerry Tarkanian: "Frosty The Snowman"
I'm Jerry Tarkanian, I'm as happy as can be
'Cause my team of champs will get their chance
To repeat their victory
I'm Jerry Tarkanian, my friends call me the shark
'Cause I break the rules, and I outcheat schools
And I know a lot of narcs
I still don't see the fuss they made
With all their courtroom fights,
The NCAA actually says
My kids should read and write, HA!
I'm Jerry Tarkanian, so what if I'm a leech?
'Cause come next year I'm outta here,
Chewing towels on the beach.
* Victor Kiam: "Oh, Christmas Tree"
Oh Remington, Lady Remington,
Please won't you buy my shavers?
Yes I admit, I was a twit,
Please won't you buy my razors?
I never said "a classic bitch"
I'll throw my players in a ditch
I've even made the Lisa Olson Blade
Please won't you buy my shavers?
* Isiah Thomas and Virg Jacques: "The Little Drummer Boy"
You say I strangled you
You're dumb dumb dumb dumb
Isiah, you did, too
With your thumb thumb thumb thumb
Your station's after me
They're bum bum bum bum bums,
But we host Chuck Daly
So can't we be chums, can't we be chums
Can't we be chums?
We made the news at six, now the truth comes
We were both dumb.
* Andre Agassi: "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree"
Posing around the Christmas tree
As I blow dry my hair
Fans say I dress like a lemon tree
But I say I don't care
Posing around the Christmas tree
Think I'll fake an injury
Film a commercial, drink a beer,
God, I'm so glad to be me!
* George Steinbrenner: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"
God rest me, Georgie Steinbrenner
'Cause I've had quite a year
I lost my team, I lost my seats,
Got thrown out on my ear,
I'd like to take Fay Vincent's house
And set the thing on fire
Oh, I wish there was someone I could fire,
Then rehire.
Oh I wish there was someone I could fire.
* Chuck Daly: "Joy to the World"
Joy to the World, but bleep GQ
They picked Mike Dunleavyyyyy
They say he dresses better!
They really like his sweaters!
Hey, what about my suits?
And have you seen these boots?
I don't want to get personal,
But bleep GQ.
* Bo Schembechler: "Silent Night"
Silent night, what a fright
No one likes me, nothing is right
Fired Ernie, now fans want my head, Build a new stadium, they'll want
me dead,
Wish I was back on the side...liiiines
Wish I was back on the sidelines.