9402150986
DETROIT FREE PRESS
941225
Sunday, December 25, 1994
METRO FINAL
1F
MITCH ALBOM
COMMENT
Copyright (c) 1994, Detroit Free Press
KNOCK AT THE DOOR, SONG IN THEIR HEARTS
I open my door, and what do I see? Some late Christmas carolers from the
sports world . . .
Wayne Fontes, singing "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen"
God rest ye Barry Sanders, man,
and please don't stub a toe,
You know my future's on your back
so keep those shoulders low
Watch your knees, oh pretty please,
keep running in fifth gear
when you do, then my future is so clear
Three more years!
Tell Dave Krieg please to bundle up his ears.
Dennis Rodman, "Frosty the Snowman"
I'm Dennis the Rodman
I'm as kooky as can be
Got my nine tattoos, life is making news
That is my philosophy.
Dennis the Rodman
Picking colors for my head
yellow or chartreuse how's a man to choose?
here's a Christmas shade of red.
It must have been the hair dye
that leaked into my brain
Or maybe when Madonna said
"you get rich by being vain,"
Dennis the Rodman
didn't used to be this weird
but with each new act
comes a shoe contract
think I'll grow a purple beard.
Mike Tyson, singing
"I'll Be Home For Christmas"
I'll be out next Christmas
You can knock on wood
Please have someone's head in mind
That I can pound but good
It's been years since Christmas
meant this much, it's grand
I'm thinking $80 million
and that's only for one hand.
Baseball owners, singing to players "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"
You better not buy, you better sublet,
Better sell off that second Corvette
Sa-la-ry Cap's coming to town.
It's making a list, setting a price
better go seek financial advice
Sa-la-ry cap's coming to town.
We know this causes hardship,
we do this with regret
but times are tough and you may have
to sell that Lear jet yet, so
You better clamp down, better make due
owning just one Ferrari, not two
Sa-la-ry cap's coming to town.
Jimmy Johnson and Barry Switzer,
"The Little Drummer Boy"
You took my leftovers,
old chum, chum, chum, chum.
Are you insane, this job is
plum, plum, plum, plum
You couldn't hold my jock, you
bum, bum, bum, bum,
Go spray your hair some more you
TV head scum
Who's having fun?
You call that fun?
We'll see in January, who's No. 1
Count on it, son.
Tonya Harding, singing to Jeff Gillooly
"Blue Christmas"
We'll have a blue Christmas without you
We'll be so blue, out here, without you
Are they treating you well?
How's the food in your cell?
I should be with you
I'm guilty but . . . what the hell!
It's been a swell Christmas, honey,
that little bitch, Nancy, makes money
By the way, have you met
any good hit men yet?
Maybe we'll have a black
and blue Christmas.
George Foreman, "The Christmas Song"
Chestnuts roasting, think I'll eat a few
Bonbons? I'll try some of those
Cookies and cake, do you mind, let's partake
It's Christmas pass the ice cream bowls
and the Tootsie Rolls,
You know that I'm the champion
Took the title from those bums
One day I'll defend, and it might be the end
but until then urp! pass the Tums.
Andre Agassi, singing "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"
I saw Brookie kissing Santa Claus
underneath the mistletoe last night
I simply cannot see, what he's got over me
I'm younger and I'm cuter and
my chest is more hairy
I saw Brookie kissing Santa Claus
Can't believe she gave that guy a whirl
then I heard that fat man sing
"Image is everything"
The Zen Master, Santa, stole my girl.
Hockey players, singing "Silent Night"
Silent night, eh?
Holy night, eh?
Got no pucks, eh?
Got no ice, eh?
Been so long since we
took a good whack, eh?
Been so long that
my teeth are growing back, eh?
All we want is to pla-ayy
All we want is to play . . . eh?
CHRISTMAS; COLUMN; HUMOR; SPT