9701050442
DETROIT FREE PRESS
970216
Sunday, February 16, 1997
METRO FINAL
1E
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1997, Detroit Free Press
PERSONAL ADS - IS THIS REALLY LOVE AMERICAN-STYLE?
Here was the ad:
Cruel, nasty, neurotic, paranoid, antisocial but basically happy SWGF, 31,
seeks same between 18-40 for miserable relationship.
Ah, love.
Our most important emotion comes in some pretty funny boxes these days. I
know this, because last Friday, Valentine's Day, I was moved to finally check
out the personals section of this very newspaper, to see what passed for
courtship in these "let's do e-mail" times.
In the past, I have avoided the personals section because I felt I did not
need it. Now, having read it, I know that there is something I need.
I need a dictionary.
I mean, how does anyone automatically know that SWGF means "single, white
gay female" or that DBPSM means "divorced, black, professional, straight
male"?
Where do they teach this stuff? Is there a manual? I got completely lost
on one ad, when it read "WWF seeks attractive sweet-natured man."
WWF? I thought that was the World Wrestling Federation. Only after
finding the abbreviations key did I realize it meant "white widowed female"
-- and that I was in the seniors section.
Oh, yes. There are sections. Lots of sections. There's "Male Seeking
Female" and "Female Seeking Male" and "Male Seeking Male" and "Female Seeking
Female."
Next comes "Human Seeking Alien," "Mammal Seeking Canine" and "Reptile
Seeking Amphibian" -- presumably on some page I haven't gotten to yet.
Writer seeking answers
Now, there are a few generalities I can make after an hour of intense
study of the Personals section which left me crying out for simpler times,
along with a bottle of Visine.
For one thing, women are more honest than men. Women- seeking-men get the
tough stuff out right off the top. For example:
"Full-figured SWF seeks honest man for monogamous relationship . . . "
"Thick, curvaceous SBF seeks man . . . possible marriage . . . "
"Muslim, DBF seeks God-fearing honest BM . . . "
You get the idea. These women are saying, "Hey, you don't want surprises,
I don't want surprises, let's get this out in the open."
The men, on the other hand, all seem to be tall, gorgeous, unlucky studs
who just can't seem to find a date. The following are real ads:
"Athletic, handsome, tall, rich, SWM, seeks slim, pretty SWF . . . "
"All-American Male with a feminine touch, good-looking, 6' . . .
"Gorgeous, assertive, athletic, SWM, 5'11, seeks fit SWF, preferably a
model or a dancer . . . "
Hmm. You'd think Tom Cruise wouldn't need to advertise in the paper.
Let the truth be known
Now, the basic idea of Personals ads is not a bad one, since anyone who
has been fixed up on a blind date knows the horrors of exaggeration.
"Oh, you'll love her! She's a cross between Barbara Hershey (actually
Barbara Bush) and Kathy Ireland (Kathy Bates). Also, she has the cutest laugh
(like The Nanny) and she's so talented (she reads Tarot cards.)"
In Personals ads, you can speak for yourself. You can be honest. But
that's the problem. Few people are.
I'm waiting for the ad that reads:
"SWM, likes football -- and wants to be left alone while watching it --
enjoys chips, beer, an occasional belch, dresses like Det. Columbo and is
known to forget birthdays and anniversaries, seeks SWF who is gorgeous but
farsighted, with patience of Mother Teresa and a sexual appetite that can be
described in two words: not picky."
When someone runs an ad like that, then we can start talking.
Otherwise, as near as I can tell, trying to find a Valentine in the
Personals is like trying to buy a used car from a salesman who wears polyester
and says, "It's your lucky day!"
Remember when Arlo Guthrie sang, "You can get anything you want, at
Alice's restaurant. . ."?
Alice must have been SWF with a lot of newspapers.
THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION MAY DIFFER SLIGHTLY FROM THE PRINTED ARTICLE.
COLUMN; PERSONAL; ADVERTISEMENT