9802160050
DETROIT FREE PRESS
980216
Monday, February 16, 1998
METRO FINAL
1
MITCH ALBOM
WINTER OLYMPICS
Copyright (c) 1998, Detroit Free Press
IT LOOKS NICE, BUT SKATING ISN'T SPORT
NAGANO, Japan -- I'll probably get killed for this, but I'm going to say it anyway.
Figure skating is not a sport.
And in case you missed it ...
Figure skating IS NOT A SPORT.
Oh, it's many things. It's athletic. It's dramatic. It's exciting. And yes,
the competitors do break a sweat (unlike, say, in darts). But don't call it a
sport. Call it a performance. A sport pits athlete against athlete, or athlete
against clock, or athlete against height, weight or distance.
It does not pit athlete against tailor.
"I once had a skater who had an unusual outfit," admitted Frank Carroll, who
coaches Michelle Kwan, "and a judge said to me, 'I don't know if I like his
skating. I can't get past the costume.' "
You see what I mean? You don't say that in a sport. "I can't get past the
costume." Can you imagine a referee saying, "I don't know if Michael Jordan
hit a three-pointer or a two-pointer. I can't get past his baggy shorts"?
Since when does clothing have anything to do with sports? If it did, the
Denver Broncos would never have won the Super Bowl, not with those ugly navy
and orange outfits. But did anyone say to John Elway, "Go back, work on your
fabric, try again next year"?
It happens all the time in figure skating. The judges don't like your costume.
They don't like your music. They don't like your choreography. They mark you
down. In skating circles they call this "sending a message."
Now, much as I would personally like to send a few messages to figure skaters,
particularly to Ilia Kulik, the Russian gold medalist who actually skated with
gossamer wings on his shoulders (message to Ilia: "These are the Olympics, not
heaven"), the fact is, message-sending is for E-mail. And bad reviews for
choreography do not happen in sports. They happen when you open a Broadway
musical.
"We're at the mercy of the judges," admits Todd Eldredge.
And what makes it worse? The whole thing is predetermined. I swear, half the
time these judges do their scoring with tracing paper.
It's not judging, it's prejudging
Consider what happened the other night in the ice dancing. Yes. Ice dancing.
(Stop smirking. I didn't invent it.)
But I know a fix when I see one. Take this Russian couple, Evgeny Platov and
his partner, Pasha. Pasha uses only one name. It's not her real name. But she
feels it will help with her film career. I didn't know she had a film career.
Anyhow, Pasha and Evgeny skated their opening routine and made a faux pas.
Pasha slipped.
Normally, this is a mark down. But Pasha and Evgeny just happen to be the
reigning royalty of their business, and so eight of the nine judges still gave
them first-place marks.
"I wanted to twist faster than the other skaters," Pasha explained. "That's
why I lost my balance."
Oh. Well. I guess it's OK then.
Of course, if she were a football player, and she said, "I wanted to get the
ball into the end zone quickly, that's why I fumbled it," I don't think they'd
give her the ball back.
But there I go, thinking like a sports person again. I should be more
accepting, like Pasha and Evgeny's American competitors, Elizabeth Punsalan
and Jerod Swallow. When Jerod was asked what he did on his off-day, he said,
"We went to snow monkey park. We saw some of the judges."
There you go. Have a sense of humor. Of course, he could have been as blunt as
his Canadian counterpart, Victor Kraatz, when he was asked about the judging.
"It's all a setup," he said.
Whoa! And this is a competitor talking! It's all a setup?
Even boxers won't come out and say that.
As a judge, I give him high marks for honesty.
Message for Lipinski: Wait your turn
Now, I tell you all this not to disparage figure skating -- which, after all,
is the reason CBS is bothering to broadcast the Olympics, isn't it? -- but to
see it for what it is, because the big showdown between Kwan and Tara Lipinski
is coming up, and I think we should just get the popcorn and watch it like a
movie. The fact is, even though Lipinski won a world championship, she has no
prayer of winning the gold medal here unless Kwan skates half her program on
her butt.
Why? Because the skating gods want it that way. They want to "send a message."
They want to make the 15-year-old Lipinski wait her turn, come back in four
years, just as, in the men's competition, they wanted Elvis Stojko to be less
athletic and more artistic. Elvis balked. "They want me to get in touch with
my feminine side," he sniffed. "I don't have a feminine side."
He doesn't have a gold medal, either. The judges gave him the silver, same as
last Olympics. They used the dreaded "artist" marks to make sure of it.
Look. Here's the problem. If an unknown 9-year-old from Nairobi comes to the
Olympics and wins the 100-meter dash, he gets the gold medal, no questions
asked. If that same 9-year-old lands five quintuple jumps in figure skating,
they give him fifth place and tell him to come back next Olympics with better
sequins.
That's not judging, that's directing.
Now, I know some critics will say, "What about gymnastics, or diving? They
have judges. Are they not sports?" Good question. But at least in those
events, there is no costume factor, and -- with the exception of the
gymnastics floor program -- there is no artistic interpretation involved.
As long as skating has two sets of marks -- technical and artistic -- it will
have judges yanking with one hand and squeezing with the other.
There's sport and there's performance. Confusing the two will only leave you
frustrated. As to how you tell the difference, I rely on a simple test. Take
the activity. Then imagine the athlete doing it in his or her underwear. If it
changes the results, then it's not a sport.
Although it might help Pasha's film career.
To leave a message for Mitch Albom, call 1-313-223-4581.
THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION MAY DIFFER SLIGHTLY FROM THE PRINTED ARTICLE.
OLYMPIC;ICE SKATING;COLUMN