9601110682 DETROIT FREE PRESS 960405 Friday, April 05, 1996 METRO FINAL

SPT

1C Photo : Misery loves . . . company Get Shorty Get Dutchy Jeff as Jeff Jeff as Jon Riddle me this . . . Red? MITCH ALBOM Copyright (c) 1996, Detroit Free Press THE LIVE ALBOM * I've been watching the Tigers' pitching staff, and I never realized they all shared the same first name: Long Ball, Long Shot, Long Inning and Long Gone. * How many runs have they given up? Thirty-nine? As if the games weren't long enough. Pretty soon, they'll be yelling "Play ball!" in the first inning and "Last call!" in the third. * Wait. Don't tell me. The ball is juiced. * Speaking of baseball, Oscar winner Kathy Bates, who has played grotesque characters in "Misery" and "Dolores Claiborne," now takes on her most horrifying role: Marge Schott. * Did you see where Marge still wanted to play the game Monday, even after umpire John McSherry dropped dead on the field? * I'm not kidding. Marge asked, "Did he die?" and was told, 'Yes." She then said, "I don't believe it. Snow this morning, and now this! Why are they calling the game? Why can't they play with two umpires?" * She's not from Earth, is she? * If it were one of her dogs, she would want a national day of mourning. * As long as we're still on baseball, I admit some of the Tigers' coaches are new to me. But I want a background check on this guy, Glenn Ezell. I mean, I heard a rumor that Elmore Leonard wanted to write a novel about the major leagues, and next thing I know, I look in the media guide, and . . . * Gee, it sure was nice of Stephon Marbury to stop by Georgia Tech for a visit, wasn't it? * Why do coaches spend all that money on planes, hotels, phone calls and mailings to recruit a kid who says from the start he wants to stay only one year? Did Marbury bother to register for class, or did he tell teachers, "No thanks, I'm just browsing" ? * By the way, I don't see any rings on Bobby Cremins' fingers thanks to Stephon, do you? * Fans of the New York Knicks keep asking where new coach Jeff Van Gundy came from. Simple. He came from "Saturday Night Live," where he used the stage name Jon Lovitz. * Brendan Malone is a good man. He is a fine coach. I will bet you $10 he does not last beyond this season under Isiah Thomas. * And so will most people who know Isiah. * I am very excited about Lansing's new baseball team. But here's my question. When one of the players meets a girl who asks, "What team are you on?" does he really answer, "I'm a Lugnut"? * Get set for a lonely summer, boys. * Why do I get the feeling that, when it's all said and done, Michael Irvin will blame this whole thing on the media? * Don't you love that line Irvin used with the police: "Can I tell you who I am?" Doesn't that always work for you when the cops kick in your door? * Once again, Sparky Anderson has been proven right: Baseball has indeed gone on without him. * I talked recently to two ex-Michigan hoop stars, Ray Jackson, who's ripping up the CBA with Grand Rapids, and James Voskuil, who's playing in France. Both have proven that the NBA is not the only reason for living. * Speaking of Michigan, fans will now remember hockey coach Red Berenson for winning the national title -- and not just for his fine work on "Batman" under his stage name, Frank Gorshin. THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION MAY DIFFER SLIGHTLY FROM THE PRINTED ARTICLE.