9501150400
DETROIT FREE PRESS
950421
Friday, April 21, 1995
METRO FINAL
1D
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1995, Detroit Free Press
THEY COME CHEAP IN MY MOCK DRAFT
A scout's journal . . .
I don't follow the big names. The big names, they got plenty of guys
following them. You think Ki-Jana Carter is gonna go unnoticed? Come on. We
already know his shirt size and his favorite sports car. How much more can a
lousy scout dig up?
Me, I go for the small names. I beat the bushes. I check under rocks. I
scour the country for every backwater college that still believes in the
tackle and the forward pass.
And I watch.
And I make notes.
Sometimes I have a drink and fall asleep.
But mostly, I find diamonds in the rough. So keep your Rashaan Salaams and
Tyrone Wheatleys. I got the gems you never heard of. Here is my long-awaited
Sleeper Roster for the 1995 draft.
Terms are negotiable. . . .
TRAILER HOME DOKES, DT, University of Jenny Craig: Look, he's large. I won't
kid you about that. But he's a solid 300-pound tackle -- underneath the 200
other pounds of fat. The kid had perfect attendance in college (at training
meals). And with the right coach and some good strong wire for his jaw, he
could be the next Richard Dent by 1998. One drawback. Getting Trailer Home on
and off the field can take a little time. Say 20 minutes, if the forklift
works.
BUTT HEAD HOLLISTER, QB, University of California at Big Sur: In all my time
as a scout I have never before seen a kid throw like this one. We're talking
60 yards in the air, through a tire, bull's-eye! Two things that any good
coach can work out, and he's got the next Joe Montana. One is Butt Head's
signal calling, which so far is limited to one play: "Let's get stoked!" The
other is the fact that Butt Head refuses to play if the surf's up.
IGOR (SIX RUBLES) TURGENOV, WR, University of Moscow: An import. Big deal.
The kid knows how to catch a ball. He trained with the Russian circus,
shagging hoops for the bears. Igor has the speed and size. Minor drawback: In
an effort to support his loving family in Minsk, Igor tends to sell off pieces
of his uniform before he ever reaches the field. The helmet. The shoes. The
jersey. Last game he played in his underwear -- until halftime, when he sold
that, too.
CONDOMINIUM JOHNSON, RB, Las Vegas College: First of all, that story about
the Jaguar is completely false. It was leased, OK? And just because a kid has
a Jacuzzi in his dorm room is no reason to think he's on the take. Johnson is
6-3, 230 pounds of Class A, thoroughbred stud, and I'll be damned if I'm
gonna sit here and explain how those tickets to Aruba wound up in his wallet.
ED (TOO SMALL) JONES, NT, Tuscaloosa Institute: That's right. He's Too
Tall's distant cousin, only his mother married a circus entertainer and, well,
anyhow. . . . Too Small stands 4- feet-2, 140 pounds. How can he play nose
tackle? Simple. He runs through the center's legs. How'd you like to take
the snap and find Too Small's head in your hands, huh? Huh? You hear me
talkin'?
LEAD FOOT LEIBMAN, K, Pontoon State: No lie, he kicks it 80 yards, thanks to
his left foot, which is made out of lead. Why? I dunno, an industrial
accident or something. What do you care? You need a kicker, I give you a
kicker. The only problem with Lead Foot is on road games. Getting him through
the metal detector can be a real drag.
DEION (PLATINUM) SANDERS, DB, Thorn Apple Valley State: Like his famous
uncle, Platinum also excels at two sports: football and curling. Some GMs
call him a discipline problem, but he fights only when teammates make fun of
his broom.
MEL KIPER JR., ST, Institute of Trivia: That's right. Kiper is the draft guru
for ESPN. But he's also an invaluable special teams player. You put him deep,
the other team kicks off, and every guy whom Kuiper ever called "a stupid
pick" comes flying in to kill him. Meanwhile, your guy with the ball runs for
a touchdown. I would save Kiper for the Super Bowl, because this may work
only once.
BILLY RAY BOB UM . . ., OT, Auburn/Ole Miss/Nevada/Gonzaga/ Fayetteville: A
natural offensive tackle at 6-6, 310 pounds, Billy, the son of a dairy
farmer, had a bit of a problem making grades at the five universities he
attended. The problem began when he couldn't remember his last name.
GIANNI ADOLPHO WILLIAMS, WR, Love College: I'm warning you right now, you'll
have to get past the uniform thing. Williams, with blazing speed, is
particular about what he calls his "color scheme." For example, he refuses to
play for the Miami Dolphins because "turquoise is as out as sushi." He likes
the Raiders -- "silver and black, simple, elegant" -- and the Patriots --
"red, white and blue, sort of American retrospective, very Tommy Hilfinger."
For what it's worth, he considers the Lions' Honolulu blue "a sad, sad joke."
There you have 'em, folks. As much talent as McNair and Wheatley at a
fraction of the price. My line is open. Call me, before someone else does.
I'll be in Wisconsin, scouting a kid they call Moo Moo McFly.
Sounds promising to me.