9601170565
DETROIT FREE PRESS
960529
Wednesday, May 29, 1996
METRO FINAL
1D
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1996, Detroit Free Press
MISSION: POSSIBLE
WINGS ROOT OUT EVIL WHEN THEY
TAKE ON AVALANCHE TONIGHT
So here I am, convinced that the whole city is severely afflicted with Red
Wings Fever, and I go to the dentist and they put me in the chair and the
hygienist sits down and says, "Hey, who won that hockey game?"
Who won that hockey game?
And the dentist says, "I don't know. I'm not much into sports. I like
classical music."
Classical music?
Well. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe there are people in Detroit who still
don't know the biggest story in town. And that's fine. After all, there are
people who still think Jack Paar does the "Tonight Show." Some of them are
dentists.
Anyhow, I suspect that these sad and lonely non-fans will be jumping on
the bandwagon soon, meaning tonight, when the Wings take on Colorado in the
most highly anticipated and talked-about hockey game since, well, since two
weeks ago.
And where do these people turn?
I mean, it's darn confusing, if you are someone like my dentist, or his
hygienist, or anyone else out there who OBVIOUSLY HASN'T READ A NEWSPAPER OR
TURNED ON A RADIO IN THE LAST MONTH! -- (Note to dentist: I'm only kidding
here, please don't stick me with any more needles).
I am here to help.
I am here to introduce you dummies -- er, newcomers -- to the characters
in tonight's icy drama. Hockey is a simple game, and the Detroit and Colorado
rosters are easy to break down, once you know the most important thing: Who is
a bad guy and who is a good guy.
The following profiles are based on the most up-to-date non-partisan
research, except in cases when I made them up.
WINGS-AVALANCHE
GOOD GUY/BAD GUY LIST
* CLAUDE LEMIEUX: Bad guy. Born in the depths of hell. His father, Darth
Vader, left him to be raised by demon wolves, who taught him to smell blood
and swing his claws until he found some. A vampire, he is cursed to wander
darkness for eternity. Also, he has an annoying French accent.
* STEVE YZERMAN: Good guy. Frequently referred to as the Johnny Depp of
hockey, plays hard, works hard, is loyal to his wife and daughter, sends his
paycheck home to mother, hosts charity telethons and teaches the homeless how
to skate on his way to the rink.
* JOHN DENVER: Bad guy. Roots for Colorado. Also, his singing makes sheep
cry.
* DON JOHNSON: Bad guy. Roots for Colorado.
* MIKE RICCI: Bad guy. Plays for Colorado. Has face that looks as if he's
permanently pressed against a window pane. Also, he scores too damn much.
* CHRIS OSGOOD: Good guy. Goalie for the Wings. Sometimes confused with actor
Macaulay Culkin, which is odd, because Macaulay is much older than Osgood.
Chris not only handles the net, he also reads to the blind and sells Boy
Scout cookies.
* PATRICK ROY: Bad guy. Recently released from prison, he insists on wearing a
mask to keep his identity secret. Has been known to steal things during the
game, especially any puck shot by Keith Primeau. Also has annoying French
accent. "I zink wuh will win tonaat," he says. Zink again.
* STU GRIMSON: Good guy. Snappy dresser.
* BARRY SMITH: Good guy. Snappy dresser. Assistant coach, when Stu lets him.
* ADAM FOOTE: Bad guy. Colorado defenseman. Wanted in several states for
fraud, Foote has mastered the art of bleeding on cue, while making it look as
if the opposing player actually touched him, when we all know he didn't hit
him that hard, for Pete's sake, why don'tcha just play the game?
Excuse me. Lost my place for a minute.
* SERGEI FEDOROV, IGOR LARIONOV, SLAVA KOZLOV: Good guys. Swam to America
from Russia, while still finding time to prevent an oil tanker from spilling.
After every game, they kiss the American flag and thank the NHL for giving
them such a good life they don't even want the money, just give it to needy
kids.
* CRAIG STADLER: Bad guy. Roots for Colorado.
* MARC CRAWFORD: Bad guy. Coach of Avalanche. Looks like cast member on
"Friends." Needs to have smirk taken off his face. In a bad way. You know what
I mean? This guy is too darn smug and they ought to whack hi--
Sorry.
* SCOTTY BOWMAN: Good guy. Cross between calculus teacher and professional
wrestler. Not to be trifled with in parking lots. Also, do not put him and
Keith Gave in the same room.
* ADAM DEADMARSH: Bad guy. Once a Cajun bounty hunter, got his last name for
the bodies they found washed up against his shrimp boat.
* ANDY VAN HELLEMOND: Bad guy. Referee. Known to blow his whistle if you
happen to be wearing the wrong color uniform, which, by some funny
coincidence, is red.
* VLADIMIR KONSTANTINOV: Good guy. Frequently misunderstood. Although he
sneers, leers, punches and tends to crash into his opponents, flipping them
over, leaving them in a crumpled heap, close friends say he's a sweet man,
who just happens to open bottles with his teeth.
* OCTOPUS: Not human. Still a good guy.
So there you have it. A primer for late-arriving fans. You should now
have no problem knowing whom to root for -- at least if you live in Detroit.
And if for some reason, you still choose to ignore the game, and want to do
something else tonight, that's OK; I know someone who will drill your teeth.
THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION MAY DIFFER SLIGHTLY FROM THE PRINTED ARTICLE.
RED WINGS; AVALANCHE; PLAYOFF; HOCKEY; NAMELIST