9501290452 DETROIT FREE PRESS 950919 Tuesday, September 19, 1995 METRO FINAL

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1D Drawing Color DICK MAYER/Detroit Free Press MITCH ALBOM Copyright (c) 1995, Detroit Free Press THE HUDDLE The good news is, the Huddle is back for another season! The bad news is, so are the Lions. So get on over here, you knuckleheads, you scoundrels, you college and professional guardians of the gridiron. We're back. We're bad. We're wanted in 50 states. Let's hear it for the most exclusive club since the Lions Super Bowl Reservations Desk. One, two, three . . . HUDDLE UP! WHO'S IN THIS WEEK: The Michigan defense, Tshimanga Biakabutuka, Marc Renaud, Nick (AM I YELLING TOO LOUDLY?) Saban, Steve Young and Jerry Rice (We're hoping to butter them up so they'll go easy on the Lions Monday night), Morten Andersen, the LSU Tigers, and, of course, Tram and Lou. WHO'S OUT: Anyone wearing silver and blue. Yo, Huddle, it's not my fault. Look. Robert Porcher! Let me make you feel at home. "WE HAVE ROUGHING THE PASSER, NO. 91, ON THE DEFENSE! . . ." That penalty didn't lose us the game. It didn't help. It's the play calling. It's the coaching staff. It's the water in the water bucket -- Hmm. We're really in denial, aren't we? Let me in, Huddle. We'll win Monday night. Yeah. And Kato Kaelin will win an Oscar. Don't listen to him, Huddle! Wayne Fontes? You're out in public? Well. With everyone so mad at me, I was hoping I could get in the Huddle for . . . Shelter? Sorry, man, you're too hot. But where else can I go? Have you tried the Witness Protection Program? It's not my fault. It's my offensive coordinator. No wait. I just hired him. It's my special teams coordinator . . . no wait, I just hired him. It's my . . . give me a second. Sure. While you're thinking, lean on in here, real close . . . OK, SABAN! CHEW HIM OUT! Hey, y'all. You impressed with us now? Why, if it isn't Bobby Bowden from Florida State. How many points did you score this weekend? Ahem. Only 77. I bet you think that's impressive. It gets us in the Huddle, right? Wrong, Son of Flubber. Running up the score only proves you have no class, you thirst for poll votes and you need a tougher schedule. Who are you playing next week? University of Atlantic City? That's telling him, Huddle. Drew Bledsoe. What are you doing out here? Looking for a bank? A bank? Yeah. Aren't you the guy who took his car into the shop recently, and the worker called you back to say he'd found a month-old check for $100,000 stuck inside your visor? And you said, "No big deal. Just put it back." Yeah. Do the words "losing touch with reality" mean anything to you? Gee. Does that mean I can't get in? Sure you can. Just leave one of your paychecks with our secretary. Huddle. Question. Jerry Jones? Egomaniac? Why. Yes. Why are you talking like that? LET'S GO TO THE MAILBAG . . . Dear Huddle: Is it true that Lawrence Phillips might be reinstated to the Nebraska football team? I can't believe it. He beats up his ex-girlfriend, gets arrested, and coach Tom Osborne says, "Lawrence has a problem with anger." What kind of excuse is that? Maybe Tom has a problem with responsibility. Dear Huddle: Look around. Erik Kramer is starting in Chicago. Rodney Peete is about to get the job in Philly. Dave Krieg comes in and beats us Sunday. What does that say about the way the Lions evaluate talent? Wait'll Andre Ware comes back. Dear Huddle: Last year, you did the NFL rankings as if it were all one league. Are you gonna do that again this year? Why, I thought you'd never ask. TOP THREE BOTTOM THREE 1. San Francisco 29. Steve Young/Jerry Rice 2. Dallas 30. LIONS 3. Miami 31. Carolina Hey, Huddle. What about this week's Notable Quotable? OK. It comes from the Eagles' Randall Cunningham, who said: "I'm thinking of changing my middle name to 'Boo' so when I play in Philly, it'll sound like they're cheering me." Maybe Wayne should try that. Unless he has a problem with anger. Do you want to be in the Huddle? Send your questions, comments or reasons for admission to the Huddle, Detroit Free Press, 321 W. Lafayette, Detroit 48226. Or fax 1-313-222-5983.