9601300831 DETROIT FREE PRESS 960927 Friday, September 27, 1996 METRO FINAL

SPT

1D Photo : My Name's Forrest, Forrest . . . Kramer? MITCH ALBOM Copyright (c) 1996, Detroit Free Press TGI FOOTBALL HUT ONE: I am thinking of sending a letter to the NFL commissioner. Dear Mr. Tagliabue: It is not my place, as an aging sports writer, to tell you to destroy a football team. But I'll do it anyhow. The team I have in mind is the Tampa Bay Bucs. You may not be able to find them in the standings. They are below the standings. I think they're hiding in the agate type of the injured list. Take a look . . . . . . Deion Sanders (doubtful); Tampa Bay (hopeless); Vinny Testaverde (questionable) . . . They are 0-4. They should be put out of their misery. If Old Yeller were 0-4, you would do no less. Besides, playing Tampa is depressing. It happens twice a year around here. Here's what it sounds like: "I got tickets to the Lions. Wanna go?" "Sure! Who they playing?" "Tampa Bay." "Oh . . . sorry, I have to watch "Baywatch Nights." . . . It's not one year with these Yuccaneers -- it's every year. TV execs think of Tampa Bay the way they think of foot fungus. The Bucs get on "Monday Night Football" only if an Ebola virus wipes out the rest of the league. In closing, may I suggest that you replace Tampa Bay with a team that will spark a little more interest around here. Perhaps the Hartford Whalers? Sincerely, A Concerned Fan * HUT TWO: They say Erik Kramer was hurt in the Bears-Lions game, and will miss Sunday's game. I never saw the hit. I think he's just trying to get some extra shooting days in on his new film, "Return of Gump," in which he plays a simple-minded quarterback, under his stage name, Tom Hanks. * HUT THREE: I don't want to make things worse for the suddenly worried Miami Dolphins fans -- but if Bernie Kosar moved any slower, he would be a goalpost. * HUT FOUR: Now that last week's College Football Game of the Decade is over (final score, Florida 1490, Tennessee 1120 -- it's time for this week's Game of the Decade, Ohio State vs. Notre Dame. In case you can't tell these teams apart, here are a few hints. Ohio State is coached by a man they keep trying to get rid of. Notre Dame is coached by a man they can't get rid of. Ohio State perennially loses to Michigan in the big game. Notre Dame perennially beats Michigan in the big game. Ohio State got beat out by Northwestern last year. Notre Dame was beaten by Northwestern last year. Ohio State likes to act as if God wants it to win. Notre Dame believes it. * HUT FIVE: Our correspondents in Nebraska report the following conversation overheard this week, after the Cornhuskers were upset by Arizona State: "What's new, Ned?" "Nuthin'. Gonna see the Huskers?" "Nah. Ain't no point now." "Nah, guess not." "Moo." "Moo." THE HUDDLE * WHO'S IN THIS WEEK: Scott Mitchell, Johnnie (Hit Me) Morton, the Michigan defense, Barry Sanders (lifetime membership), Jim (It's My Ball) Harbaugh, Danny Wuerffel, the Carolina Panthers -- of all teams to have San Francisco's number -- and Tiger Woods. No, he doesn't play football, but every place else is including him, why not us? * WHO'S OUT: The Michigan offense, the Texas Longhorns (if you're gonna start an upset, finish it), Green Bay and Brett Favre, the New York (Throw Us a Lifeboat) Jets, and that oft- criticized, oft-insulted, oft-misquoted, oft-misunderstood young quarterback, Mr. Jeff George ("WAAAAAA!"). Grow up, already. THE PICKS * NOTRE DAME 24, OHIO STATE 23: I don't know how. I don't know when. I don't know why. All I know is teams fall apart when they come down the stretch against the Irish. * MICHIGAN 28, UCLA 17: This is not your father's Rose Bowl. * MICHIGAN STATE 30, EASTERN MICHIGAN 27: Last week, coach Nick Saban complained of "distractions" during the week -- meaning the NCAA sanctions. I love it when they call those things distractions. It's a much nicer word than "getting caught." * DETROIT 21, TAMPA BAY 10: I am trying . . . zzzz . . . to get psyched . . . zzzz . . . for this . . . zzzz . . . game. . . . * BALTIMORE 10, NEW ORLEANS 2: The Orioles win the pennant! The Orioles win the pennant! The -- oh, sorry. Wrong team. * GREEN BAY 24, SEATTLE 0: Last week the Packers lost to a team in a dome. This week the Packers play a team in a dome. That's where the similarity ends. * OAKLAND 20, CHICAGO 14: At this moment, of the two former Lions, Jerry Ball is faster than Erik Kramer. THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION MAY DIFFER SLIGHTLY FROM THE PRINTED ARTICLE. FOOTBALL