9602010351 DETROIT FREE PRESS 961011 Friday, October 11, 1996 METRO FINAL

SPT

1C Photo MITCH ALBOM Copyright (c) 1996, Detroit Free Press TGI FOOTBALL * HUT ONE: The Oakland Raiders are the only sports franchise whose logo is a pirate with an eye patch. And two swords behind his head. This is supposed to scare us. Ooooh. Very scary. So is the black and silver uniform. Ooooh! Shiver me timbers! So is boss man Al Davis, who looks like he could whisper to one of his henchmen and next thing you know, someone is at the bottom of a river, wearing concrete. Help! Mommy! There's only one thing wrong with all this: It's a fraud. The Raiders aren't baaaaaad. They're just bad. They're not wicked. They're whipped. They don't knock people over and grin at them with one tooth; they clutch and grab and hold them in desperation until a referee throws a yellow flag. The fact is, the Raiders are now one of the sorrier franchises in the NFL. They spend money to purchase other people's problem players -- does the name Pat Swilling ring a bell? -- then fail to rehab them into anything beyond mediocrity. They go for speed burners like Rocket Ismail, Tim Brown, James Jett -- then use quarterbacks who can't get them the ball. Wait. Did we say quarterbacks? Has any team mucked up this position more than the Raiders? This, after all, is the team that drafted Todd Marinovich. That thought Vince Evans (age: 83) was an answer. That used Steve Beuerlein, Jay Schroeder and now Jeff Hostetler and Billy Joe Hoebert as the answer. With a track record like that, I'm surprised the Raiders didn't jump on Andre Ware. * HUT TWO: Speaking of the Raiders, Sunday's game means we get to see our old friend, ex-Lion Jerry Ball. When I think back on the good times we had with Jerry, I have to smile. We used to go to his locker, see his beefy frame, and he'd turn and say, with that cheery smile, "Bleep you and your bleeping bleeper bleep." Yeah. It'll be great to see old Jer again. * HUT THREE: OK. You can stop writing letters now. I don't know what happened to Michigan any more than you do. All I can think of is those shameless Northwestern players started confusing Michigan's beefy guys up front. NORTHWESTERN LINEMAN: Psst? Hey, Mongo? Have you ever thought about why we're here? MICHIGAN LINEMAN: Grrrrrr. NORTHWESTERN: As Descartes says, "What is man?" MICHIGAN: Grrr. Man? Man is defense. Man and zone. Grrrrr. NORTHWESTERN: No, I mean, what's it all about? The meaning of life? Why do we work so hard when we all could be dead tomorrow? MICHIGAN: Grrrr. Hmmm. That good question. Mongo never think like that before. NORTHWESTERN: Why don't you just rest a minute and contemplate it . . . MICHIGAN: Yes . . . (yawn) . . . Mongo contemplate . . . And next thing you know, the Wildcats are kicking a winning field goal. Oh, the shame of it all! Oh, the chicanery! (OK. I know there's nobody named Mongo on U-M. I'm just trying to help here. You don't really want to admit Northwestern was better, do you?) WHAT IS JOE PATERNO THINKING? A. Maybe this Big Ten thing wasn't such a good idea. B. John Cooper? Dead man. C. You know, I can't see a thing though these glasses. D. I feel a draft around my ankles -- ohmigod, look how short my pants are! * HUT FOUR: Considering how Roberto (Loogie) Alomar was cheered when he returned to Baltimore, can you imagine the reception for Michael Irvin when he trots out for the Dallas Cowboys? It'll be like General Patton stepping out of the sea. Drugs? Women? Hey, who cares? The Cowboys are 2-3! They'd sign Hannibal Lecter if they thought it would help. * WHO'S IN THIS WEEK: Scott Mitchell, Herman Moore, Robert Porcher, John Friesz, Shannon (Not Sterling) Sharpe, Eddie George, the Buckeyes (hey, give them their due) and Elvis Grbac, one of three Michigan quarterbacks to start in the NFL last weekend. The Huddle * WHO'S OUT: Jeff George, his agent (Leigh Steinberg), that kid who caught the baseball at Yankee Stadium (it's still interference, no matter how many people cheer you), Penn State (told you they hadn't played anyone), fans who stand up for Irvin, and the folks who booed the Lions for running out the clock Sunday because fans could have gotten free pizzas if they scored. Yeah? And if they fumbled? How good would that pepperoni taste then, mister? The Picks * MICHIGAN STATE 25, ILLINOIS 19: I am going to keep picking the Spartans until one week, I'm actually correct. * LIONS 26, OAKLAND 17: Just lose, baby. * PHILADELPHIA 23, NY GIANTS 10: When Rodney Peete becomes indispensable, you know your offense is a little shaky. * DALLAS 27, ARIZONA 3: Nothing personal, but I hope Irvin drops the first five balls he touches. THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION MAY DIFFER SLIGHTLY FROM THE PRINTED ARTICLE. COLUMN; FOOTBALL