9602040983 DETROIT FREE PRESS 961115 Friday, November 15, 1996 METRO FINAL

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1F MITCH ALBOM Copyright (c) 1996, Detroit Free Press TGI FOOTBALL HUT ONE: Joe Paterno wears thick glasses and white socks. He speaks in a high voice, like Joe Pesci. His hair is black and wet and wavy and looks like it needs a good brushing. So here is my question: When he knocks on a recruit's door, does the mother say, "Come in, Coach Paterno," or "Are you here to read the meter?"? * HUT TWO: With their loss to the Purdue Boilermakers last week, Michigan's tango with Paterno's Nittany Lions on Saturday has lost most of its luster. I can only imagine the conversation at the line of scrimmage. Penn State QB: HUT ONE! HUT TWO! . . . U-M lineman: (mumble) We scored three points, man. U-M safety: (mumble) Three lousy, stinking points. U-M linebacker: (mumble) Purdue, man. U-M cornerback: (mumble) Pur-lousy-stinking-due, man. Penn State QB: HIKE! U-M lineman: Did he say hike? U-M linebacker: (mumble) Three points, man. U-M safety: (mumble) Three lousy stinking points, man. U-M lineman: Did he say hike? . . . * HUT THREE: So who is this mayor of San Francisco who called Elvis Grbac an "embarrassment to humankind?" I mean, did anyone actually vote for this Bozo? He tells people Grbac will never play in a stadium he helps build. Smart comment, considering Steve Young can barely walk these days. * HUT FOUR: Speaking of Steve Young, the 49ers quarterback guy is taking a pounding. Two concussions in three weeks. Despite the injuries, Young, ever the brave one, said this sentence: "I want to play this weekend." Unfortunately, the next thing he said was, "Tora! Tora! Tora!" so he'll probably sit it out. * HUT FIVE: OK. I've waited until this column was halfway over before mentioning the Lions. I do this out of respect for Bill Ford Jr., whom I like and have great hopes for, and who obviously doesn't need to have any more tickets turned in at the door for this week's sinking tilt against Seattle. Nonetheless, I feel compelled to ask, in as calm a voice as I can, a very simple question about Monday night's game: IS THERE NOBODY WITH ENOUGH FOOTBALL BRAINS TO KNOW YOU DON'T LET RECEIVERS GET BEHIND YOU ON A HAIL MARY PASS? DIDN'T ANYBODY WATCH MICHIGAN-COLORADO? AND WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU CALLING TIME-OUT FOR WHEN THE OTHER TEAM HAS THE BALL IN THE FINAL SECONDS, ANYHOW? IS THIS COACHING STAFF OUT OF ITS & percent## !$(at)! MINDS? There. Just wanted to get that out. * HUT SIX: Jerome Bettis, Detroit kid, is leading the league in rushing, in case you didn't notice. My feeling is, if Barry Sanders can't win it, let a guy from Mackenzie High have it. * HUT SEVEN: This from our Heads-In-The-Sand Department: In the wake of the Boston College scandal, college football is acting as if betting on games is a brand-new problem. Many coaches are claiming they had no idea the vice was so widespread on campus. Hmm. In order to be this clueless, you need special talent. . . . Student: So, coach, how does the team look? Coach: Great, son, ready to go. Student: Hey, I have a question. Would you say you can beat this week's opponent by two touchdowns, or would it be more like, two touchdowns and a field goal? Coach: Oh, I'd say two touchdowns and a field goal. Student: (scribbling) Uh-huh. . . . And would you say there were any injuries that you're hiding from everyone but you can tell me? Coach: Oh, sure, as long as you don't tell anyone. Our quarterback has a broken leg. Student: (scribbling) . . . broken leg. . . . I see. . . . And would you list his chances of playing as doubtful, highly doubtful or impossible? Coach: Impossible. Say, young fella, you ask some very in- depth questions. Student: Just a few more, coach. What shape is the field in this week, muddy, semi-muddy or dry? . . . THE HUDDLE WHO'S IN THIS WEEK: I get more mail from folks at Ferris State than any other school, and what do they all say? How come Ferris State's top-notch football team isn't in the huddle. Voila! This week, the whole huddle -- expect for Barry Sanders (lifetime membership) -- goes to the Bulldogs. Congratulations. WHO'S OUT: The Lions' Hail Mary Protection Team. THE PICKS * SEATTLE 20, DETROIT 17: In the last three weeks, Seattle has beaten Minnesota, Houston and San Diego. The Lions have lost four straight to San Diego, Green Bay, the New York Giants and Oakland. So tell me again why the Lions are favored in this game? * PHILADELPHIA 28, WASHINGTON 20: The Redskins were flying so high, they forgot to check the records of the teams they were beating. Most of them were pretty lousy. * DALLAS 28, GREEN BAY 20: Sorry, Packers. But two tight ends and a great quarterback do not make an offense. THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION MAY DIFFER SLIGHTLY FROM THE PRINTED ARTICLE.