9502090389 DETROIT FREE PRESS 951212 Tuesday, December 12, 1995 METRO FINAL

SPT

1D Drawing Detroit Free Press MITCH ALBOM Copyright (c) 1995, Detroit Free Press THE HUDDLE Although most newspapers are not confirming this, the National Enquirer is reporting that Wayne Fontes recently had a secret brain transplant with Tom Landry, and Barry Switzer had one also, with a chimpanzee. This, as I say, is not confirmed. HUT ONE, HUT TWO . . . HUDDLE UP! WHO'S IN THIS WEEK: Sir Henry Thomas, Antonio London, Mike Johnson, Tracy Scroggins, Barry Sanders (lifetime membership), the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Philly (We Eat Emmitt) defense, Morten (Take That) Andersen, Tampa Bay (this week only), Air McNair, Perry Watson's Titans, and the Michigan basketball team, for finally killing the Blue Devils. WHO'S OUT: Da Bears, Da Packers, the Lions special teams (improve before you cost the team a game!), the Dallas offensive line, Troy (Not God) Aikman, Buddy Ryan (lifetime expulsion), Jim Mora, Mike Ditka, the Raiders (Just Sink, Baby) and Fox's Saturday broadcast team of Terry Bradshaw and Jimmy Johnson, the worst TV experiment since "The Chevy Chase Show." Look out, Huddle. Comin' through. Jerry Jones. What are you doing here? I'm looking for Switzer. Have you seen him? Is he loose again? He broke off his leash this morning. We got half the Texas militia looking for him. Patrol cars? Helicopters. I thought you had him caged. I did. But I never should have let him have his own office. Now he thinks he's the coach of this team, instead of me. Dang! I can't control him! Have you tried tranquilizer darts? How much they cost? Hey, Huddle. Look at this! Eddie George. Mr. Heis-Man. Nice trophy. Thanks. Can I get in your group now? That depends. You are still, technically, a Buckeye, are you not? Yes. The bus stop's over there, son. I'm a little tea-cup, short and . . . HIKE! Barry Switzer? There you are. Jerry was just -- Jerry! WHERE ARE YA, SON? Hide me. PUNT! We-ehll, lawdy, lawdy, Miss Claudy! Heh-heh. Barry, calm down. Yessir. WHOA, NELLIE! Let me ask you something. You were on your own 29 Sunday, late in the game, and the score was tied. Why didn't you punt? Easy. INCOMING! Our punter is the devil. DUCK! MAYDAY! I'M HIT! AHHHH! Next question? WHEEE! Uh, why don't you just sit over there? IN THE TAR PIT? NEVER! Byeeee . . . Hmm. Well. My money's on the 49ers, how about you? LET'S GO TO THE MAILBAG: Dear Huddle: Back in August, I put 20 bucks on the Lions to win the Super Bowl at 40-1 odds. Am I smart enough to get in? Mike Alley, West Branch. No. But Ed McMahon wants to talk to you about a sweepstakes. Dear Huddle: At halftime of U-M-Ohio State, we were surprised by a streaker. My daughter asked, "Dad, can I have the binoculars?" Does this get her in the Huddle? Jack Overpack, Applegate. No, but we'll let her rent the window next door. Dear Huddle: You're my Huddle. And I love you guys. Jon Bagrosky, Beaverton. C'mon. It doesn't even work in the commercial. Hey, Huddle. You wanted to see me? Jim Kelly. Son, have a seat. You Buffalo guys have been playing some fine football lately. Really outstanding. Gutsy. Tough. Thank you. NOW CUT IT OUT! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, END UP IN ANOTHER SUPER BOWL? Enough of chitchat! Give NFL Poll! OK, Vladimir. Hold your borscht. TOP THREE BOTTOM THREE 1. San Francisco 28. Washington 2. Pittsburgh 29. Dallas coaches 3. Buffalo 30. NY Jets Hey, Huddle. How many games do the Heisman Trophy voters actually see during the year? Eight games and 2,432 "SportsCenters." Yo, Huddle. Will Buddy Ryan have a job next year? Certainly. The Park Service is always looking for new employees. Huddle. Question. I heard Art Modell joined a new group. What group would take a man like him? The Witness Protection Program. Want to get in the Huddle? Send all correspondence to the Huddle, Detroit Free Press, 321 W. Lafayette, Detroit 48226, or fax 1-313-222-5983. Mitch Albom will sign copies of his new book "Live Albom IV": 7-8 p.m. Thursday, Borders, Novi Town Center; 6:30-7:30 p.m. Friday, Barnes & Noble, 19211 Mack, Grosse Pointe; 1-2 p.m. Saturday, Doubleday, Somerset Mall, Troy. THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION MAY DIFFER SLIGHTLY FROM THE PRINTED ARTICLE.