9712140053
DETROIT FREE PRESS
971214
Sunday, December 14, 1997
METRO FINAL
1E
MITCH ALBOM
Copyright (c) 1997, Detroit Free Press
THE IDEAL ATHLETE IS JUST A CALL AWAY
Rrrring.
"Hello, and thanks for calling The Sports World. For owners, press 1. For
athletes, press 2-"
Beep.
"Welcome to the Sports World Athletes Center. To speak to an athlete, press
1."
Beep.
"Please select the type of athlete to whom you'd like to speak. For athletes
convicted of sexual assault, press 1. For others, press 2."
Beep.
"For athletes convicted of weapons possession, press 1. For others, press 2."
Beep.
"For athletes convicted of rape, arson or other crimes, press 1. For athletes
with no convictions, press 2."
Beep.
"For athletes who choke their coaches, press 1. For non-chokers, press 2."
Beep.
"One moment please . . ."
The top of his class
"Please select the type of non-convicted, non-choking athlete you prefer. For
athletes with a history of drug problems, press 1. For athletes with no
history of drug problems, press 2."
Beep.
"For athletes arrested for drunken driving, press 1. For athletes with no
history of drunken driving, press 2."
Beep.
"For athletes addicted to pain-killers, press 1. For non-pill-takers, press
2."
Beep.
"Thank you for selecting a non-convicted, non-choking, non-drug-using,
alcohol-free, pill-avoiding athlete. Please select from the following menu.
"For athletes making more than $20 million a year, press 1. For athletes
making less than $20 million a year, press 2."
Beep.
"For athletes making more than $10 million a year, press 1. For those making
less than $10 million a year, press 2."
Beep.
"For athletes who endorse shoes that cost more than $150 a pair, press 1. For
less than $150 a pair, press 2."
Beep.
"For athletes who are represented by Leigh Steinberg, Drew Rosenhaus or any
other agent claiming to be the inspiration for the film, 'Jerry Maguire,'
press 1. For all others, press 2."
Beep.
"One moment please . . ."
The name of the game
"Thank you for your patience. We are processing your call. Please select from
the final menu for a prompt connection with the athlete you seek.
"For athletes who charge for signing autographs, press 1. For athletes who do
not charge, press 2."
Beep.
"For athletes who dance after making a simple play, press 1. For non-dancing
athletes, press 2."
Beep.
"For athletes who like to trash talk, press 1. For non-trash-talkers, press
2."
Beep.
"For athletes who have cut their own rap records, press 1. For those without
recording contracts, press 2."
Beep.
"For athletes who demand 'respect,' press 1. For athletes who feel respect is
earned, press 2."
Beep.
"For athletes who stayed all four years of college, press 1."
Beep.
"For athletes who stayed all four years of high school, press 1."
Beep.
"Thank you. You have a selected a non-convicted, non-choking, non-drug-using,
alcohol-free, pill-avoiding, college-completing athlete making less than $10
million a year who does not charge for autographs, does not trash talk, does
not dance or demand 'respect' and is not represented by an agent who thinks he
is Jerry Maguire.
"If this is correct, press 1 now."
Beep.
"One moment, please, while we transfer you to our indoor lacrosse department.
Or, to return to the main menu, press 0 now."
Beep.
Mitch Albom will sign copies of his new book, "Tuesdays With Morrie," at
7:30-8:30 p.m. Tuesday, Waldenbooks, Livonia; 7-8 p.m. Wednesday, Smith's
Books, Devonshire Mall, Windsor; 7-8 p.m. Thursday, B. Dalton, Eastland Mall,
Harper Woods; 7:30-8:30 p.m. Friday, Borders, Flint; 10:30 a.m.-noon Saturday,
Barnes & Noble, Saginaw; and 2-3 p.m. Saturday, B. Dalton, Oakland Mall, Troy.
To leave a message for Mitch Albom, call 1-313-223-4581.
THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION MAY DIFFER SLIGHTLY FROM THE PRINTED ARTICLE.
COLUMN