9812180237 DETROIT FREE PRESS 981218 Friday, December 18, 1998 METRO FINAL

SPT; SPORTS

1C MITCH ALBOM Copyright (c) 1998, Detroit Free Press CHRISTMAS CAROLS TAKE ON A LOCKER-ROOM AIR Yes, sir. It's that time of year again. You open your door and on your porch is the entire sports world, singing its unique versions of popular Christmas carols. Such as ... Scott Mitchell sings ... "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" I saw Bobby picking Charlie Batch And I knew my Detroit years were thru He could have used me once Maybe let me kick some punts Instead I'm standing every week With a clipboard like a dunce I saw Bobby picking Charlie Batch And I knew that I would say good-bye Oh, I wonder what you'll say When I finally have my day And I came back playing for ...Tampa Bay! NBA players sing ... "The Twelve Days Of Christmas" On the 170th day of the lockout My accountant said to me, "Sell your Mercedes, mortgage the condo "Trade in the jewelry, unhook the cell phone "Ask for a car loan, unload the beach house "Yourrrrr stocks have crashhhhed "Tell the stripper girl, you can't go "To Jamaica now "And by the way, please pay me in cash." Baseball owners sing to Mark McGwire ... "God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman" God rest ye merry home run king For you have swung your bat Seventy home runs this year No one can topple that! Bud Selig has just one request Of your phenomenon Next year could you hit seventy-one, Just for fun? How about you try for seventy-one? Red Wings fans sing ... "Frosty the Snow Man" Ozzie the goalie Had a face of a young lad If he tried to see, an "R" movie They would say, "Go get your Dad" Ozzie the goalie Hadn't won a Cup as yet So the critics said, that the Wings were dead If it came down to the net But in the playoffs people saw That Ozzie was an ace And when he took the mask away He had whiskers on his face! Ozzie the goalie Is a star now, which is nice But when he goes, to the movie shows He has to pay full price. Dennis Rodman's version of ... "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" Dennis the red-nosed forward, didn't have a thing to do So he went to Las Vegas, Carmen went to Vegas, too All of the other players, waited for the NBA Dennis had some libations, he and Carmen went to play On that very foggy night, a chapel they did find Someone said, "Mr. Worm, do you?" And he said, "Uh (Burp!) I do . . ." When he woke up next morning Dennis shouted out with glee "Uh-oh, I think I'm married ... "Someone call my a-tor-ney!" Mike Tyson sings ... "The Little Drummer Boy" I saw Evander there, then Chew, chew, chew, chew His ear was hanging there, then Chew, chew, chew, chew, Right underneath his hair, I Chewed, chewed, chewed, chewed, I like mine medium rare I chewed, chewed, chewed, chewed Oh, how they booed! Guess it was rude Not just one ear, but two I chew, chew, chew, chewed A man needs his food. Kansas State sings ... "Jingle Bell Rock" Alamo, Alamo, Alamo Bowl How did we drop To the Alamo Bowl? In our last game, we were No. 1 Boy, oh, boy, those days were fun! Alamo, Alamo, Alamo Bowl We were one play away Florida State gets Tennessee -- great We get the Alamo- We're cryin in our towels-oh- We get the Alamo Bowl! NFL coaches sing ... "O Christmas Tree" O Randy Moss, O Randy Moss We now admit we blew it We did resort, to your police report We wish we could re-do it If we had known, how good you are Heck we'd have let you steal OUR car If you desired, our scouts we'd fire O Randy Moss, we blew it. Michael Jordan sings ... "Silent Night" Silent Night, gameless night, Got no team, got no flight Got no Scotty with which to fight Phil refuses to reunite If there's no N-B-Aaaaaaa Maybe some baseball I'll play ... Mitch Albom will sign "Tuesdays With Morrie" 7-8 tonight at Barnes & Noble in Grosse Pointe and 5-6 p.m. Saturday at Borders in Birmingham (on Woodward). To leave a message for Mitch, call 1-313-223-4581 or E-mail albom@freepress.com THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION MAY DIFFER SLIGHTLY FROM THE PRINTED ARTICLE. COLUMN;HUMOR;CHRISTMAS;SONG