9502100283 DETROIT FREE PRESS 951219 Tuesday, December 19, 1995 METRO FINAL

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1D Drawing Color DICK MAYER MITCH ALBOM Copyright (c) 1995, Detroit Free Press THE HUDDLE On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, one playoff berth, two receiving records, and a 44-0 victory! HUT ONE, HUT TWO . . . HUDDLE UP! WHO'S IN THIS WEEK: Every single member of the Lions -- including the equipment guy -- the Buffalo Bills, Chris Warren, the New York Giants (for trying), the Cleveland Browns who went into the Dawg Pound after the game, Barry Sanders (lifetime membership), the gang at PR Music, and the new Detroit restaurant, Intermezzo (mmmwah!). Also, Dancer, Prancer, Donner and Blitzen. WHO'S OUT: Bryan Cox, Dan Marino, Don Shula, Al Davis (just stink, baby), Terry Bradshaw (the "Terry" Awards? GIVE ME A BREAK!), Corey Harris, Ray (If You're So Hot, Why Did The Lions Give Up On You?) Crockett, Buddy Ryan (lifetime expulsion), the NY Giants (for failing), Buster and Tyson, and Art (The Grinch) Modell. Ho, ho, ho. Santa! You came! Can I get in your Huddle, young fella? Of course, wanna sit on my lap? Nah, I'll just park my big buck -- er, big butt over here. What did you say? I sure would like a big contrac- er, cocoa. Wait. That voice. Wayne Fontes! Ta-da! You're masquerading as Santa? Who's masquerading? I am Santa Claus. Think of the joy we've brought Detroit children this month. True. And the boosted spirit of our fans? True. And it's all because of me., False. Now take off that beard. You're not out of the woods yet. Ptew! Look. It's Bryan Cox, the spitting machine. Ptew! Outta my way. Ptew! Not talking. What a fine example you set for the NFL. Ptew! Not listening. Ptew! Say. I've got an idea for you. Ptew! What? We put you on a pedestal in a shopping mall. You can be a fountain. People can throw coins and make a wish. Ptew! What wish? That you'd go away. Arf! (sob, sob.) Why, it's Big Dawg, the world's most dedicated Browns fan. Sorry about losing your team. Rrrr. I'd like to bite Art Modell. Well, I -- Right in the ankles. Uh, Big Dawg -- I'd like to sink my choppers into his thighs and scratch his eyes out with my paw nails, and -- Medic! LET'S GO TO THE MAILBAG: Dear Huddle; If I were your wife, would I automatically be in the Huddle? If so, would you marry me? Tisha Trudel, Windsor. Is this how all Canadians propose? Yo, Huddle: Can I get in? I could be your resident psychotherapist. Those Huddle wannabes won't bug you anymore -- because I'll commit them. Can I, huh? Darrell R. Talifarro, MSW, Psychotherapist, Flint. Uh, Doc, maybe you should lie on the couch. WE WANT THE NFL POLL! OK. But that counts as one Christmas wish TOP THREE BOTTOM THREE 1. Pittsburgh 28. NY Jets 2. San Francisco 29. Santa's elves 3. Kansas City 30. Jacksonville Hey, Huddle. What happened to the Raiders? Al Davis blames the environment. He wants to move the team to Los Angeles. Ho, ho, ho. Wait a second. We already have a Santa. Not Santa. Down here. I'm Rudolph. Rudolph had a red nose, not a whiny voice. Well, I can talk, too. I see that. What can we do for you? I would like to join your Huddle, sir. Sure, let me help you. Give me your antler -- NO! DON'T TOUCH -- Hey, These are glued on! And your head comes off. . . . LOU HOLTZ! Impersonating a reindeer? That's a felony in Alaska. Please, Huddle. Please? Sob! Sob! Sob! Oh . . . c'mon . . . stop drooling . . . OK, OK, you can get in, just this once, for Christmas. Oh, thank you! Finally! I'm so happy I could sing . . . Then all the reindeer loved him, and they shouted out with glee, Louie the whiny head coach, you've made Huddle history. That was terrible. Thank you. Happy Huddledays, everyone. Mitch Albom will sign copies of his new book, "Live Albom IV," from 7-8 p.m. Thursday at Barnes and Noble, Rochester, and 6:30-7:30 Friday at Media Play, Clinton Township. THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION MAY DIFFER SLIGHTLY FROM THE PRINTED ARTICLE.